31 October 2006

Hetero-Flexible...I dig it

But, No, I'm Not

Hipster girl: I think he wanted to know if you were bisexual.
Hipster boy: Well, I prefer the term hetero-flexible.

--Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Adrienne


via Overheard in New York, Oct 31, 2006


Hmmm....

It seems people might have taken my rant the wrong way.

I’m not going to end things with Jefferson because he sees other people, or because other people write about him. That’s just silly. I knew what I was getting into when I started seeing him. And most days it doesn’t bother me and I don’t even think about it.

But there are some times that my feelings get hurt, for whatever reason.

And as Jefferson said, he’s been very busy this week and we haven’t really gotten to talk (e-mail) at all which is hard for me when I’m used to daily communication.

There’s also a lot that goes on between Jefferson and I that doesn’t get blogged about. Conversations, e-mails, etc. These are things we have indeed already talked about. And maybe it’s not fair to Jefferson for me to skimp on those things and then blow up out of no where with something like this.

Jefferson and I are very solid (his words). And we do love each other. Maybe I don’t do enough to show his side, which, in itself is hard. And Jefferson is a couple of months behind on his blog, so you can’t read us from his point of view yet.

And Jefferson isn’t the cause of my insecurities. I’ve been insecure in past relationships as well. Past, monogamous relationships. So I really don’t think quitting is going to cure my insecurities.

And everyone seemed to miss my feelings about how I feel as a blogger! It wasn’t an entire rant about Jefferson. A lot of times I feel invisible as a blogger. I don’t get many comments, even though people always tell me they like my writing. And I want interaction with my readers! That’s one reason why I added Meebo. Since I can’t seem to get people to comment on posts (that don’t contain a lot of emotion or whatnot) I thought I could get people to talk to me and tell me what they think. And adding Meebo has been awesome. I’ve had some really cool conversations with people.

I also get just a little annoyed that I’m not really recognized as one of Jefferson’s lovers. If other bloggers mention Jefferson, they usually say something about Meg or Madeline. Good writers, of course. But they don’t write that often. And it’s been 7 months now, so like, hello! Maybe that’ll change once Jefferson catches up in his blog and writes about me, in like, 5 months. (At the rate he’s going) ;-)

But I’m a stat whore and comment whore. I want my blog out there and getting tons of readers. And I want comments. I like that I got so many comments on that last post. I want your input and feedback! But I’d also like to hear something on my stories, where I put so much of my creative energy!

But please don’t hate Jefferson. He’s done nothing wrong. Really.


30 October 2006

*Sigh*

I feel like running away again. Just getting away for the night. I have my 2nd drs appointment tomorrow evening, so I'd have to be back for that.

I'm just pitifully sad and blue tonight.

I could easily cry right now. Just need something to set me off.

And I hate everyone right now. I'm mad at my mom, I'm frustrated with Jefferson, I don't feel like being around my roommates.

And I really, really want to binge. On lots of sugar. Dear God I'm missing my sugar. I even had some today. A couple of those fun size halloween things. (But seriously, they're not FUN when they're that TINY!!)

I did take a nap on the couch before, so I could drive.

Though "What About Brian" is on, and I like that show.

I kinda really just want something with sugar. But I'm not, cause it's bad, and I couldn't be sure I'd keep it down.

Yeah, big *sigh*


I hate blogging (Rant warning)

Aside from the fact that I get a pitiful amount of comments on my writing, even when I ask for them, I've come to hate blogging.

I hate that I'm in this circle of bloggers who write about Jefferson.

And I get ill when I stumble on a new blog (or even blogs I know) and read something along the lines of "...and Jefferson undressed me and had me lay on the bed..."

I'm one of those people that doesn't like to know who my lovers do outside our time together. Jefferson and I have a great don't ask, don't tell policy. I don't ask, and he never tells.

But then there are the blogs.

Things get written about. So I invariably end up finding out.

I even thought about whether I should stop writing about Jefferson to spare other people's feelings that I know feel the same way.

And you know, I like being a sex blogger. But I want to have a name for myself separate from being one of Jefferson's lovers. I dunno, but I think I write pretty well, and I know I put a lot of work into this blog, and I think that has merit. But perhaps being one of Jefferson's lovers masks that.

And, of course if I stop writing about Jefferson, I won't really have any more sex to write about because I'm having the worst luck making plans with other people right now.

Jealousy really does suck. I don't like being jealous! I don't! It's awful! I get that pit in my stomach and it makes me nauseous, and then there are times I even cry. And it's over these things that never used to bother me. And the worst part is I find myself getting mad at Jefferson. I try hard to keep it to myself as much as I can. Because I shouldn't be mad at him, and I know that. And I don't want to be mad! It's stupid and wasteful of my energy.

It's because I'm so insecure. I don't feel like I fit in with most of his friends. I'm constantly paranoid he doesn't actually love me, or maybe just not as much as someone else, and then he does absolutely nothing to reassure me, which feeds my paranoia. And even though I could come up with a hundred reasons to prove that he does love me and care about me, it just doesn't matter. Because the 5 reasons I have to prove he doesn't seem to outweigh the others.

But yeah, I really hate blogging right now.

And it's so strange. When I was just reading all these blogs earlier this year, I thought everything was so cool. It wasn't that I just liked Jefferson, but I liked how all of his lovers seemed to get along and I thought that was cool. And now here I am and feel like a total outcast most of the time.

Viviane doesn't have me on her blogroll, even though she lists pretty much every sex blog in existance, and she won't friend me on MySpace (and no Jefferson, I don't think it's an oversight).

Madeline doesn't acknowlege my existance either, but I'm less put off by that.

Sometimes I even feel ignored by Jefferson. And maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Hardly anyone leaves me comments, even him. But then I see his comments scattered on other peoples' blogs, and I'm kinda like, what the fuck?

And here I got all upset and couldn't even finish my cereal. Well, good. I need to be better with my diet, I've only lost 2 pounds.

So, that's my rant. I'm sure I could keep writing, but I have to get dressed and go babysit the brat.

****Note: Please read the comments for more discussion!****


Bearer of Gifts

“I have two surprises for you Friday! Aren’t you doubly excited now?” I wrote to Jefferson the Wednesday before getting together.

“Uh, YEAH!

Now I really can't wait until Friday. Thankfully, it's tomorrow.

I have something at the kids' school that will get me home about 10 or 10:30. Maybe I can leave my door unlocked and find you waiting in bed.”


I got to Jefferson’s building around 10:20 Friday morning and headed straight to his apartment and let myself inside, but was surprised to see him sitting on the couch with his laptop in his lap.

“You beat me!”
“Yes, on occasion.”

I set my stuff down on the coffee table and gave him a big kiss hello before doling out my presents.

“Ok, this I’ll bet you can guess what it is,” I said handing him a long brown paper bag.
“A kite? No, it’s a crop!”
“Mmm hmm. Now you can get rid of the broken one. And, here’s a piece of cake I made last night, for your sweet tooth. And for your artistic side…” I said pulling out a black plastic bag with 3 different colored candles.
“Wow, thanks honey.”
“You’re welcome.”

I like doing nice things for people. It makes me feel good to make people smile.

And Jefferson sure does have a nice smile.

I straddled his lap and kissed him. We made out like this for a bit and I ground my crotch against his as I got more and more turned on.

“Let’s get naked,” I finally suggested.

I pulled him off the couch and we moved back to the bedroom. Jefferson made a quick stop in the bathroom as I undressed.

I climbed into bed and kept the covers above my waist, hiding my tattoo for the moment.

He came in the room and stripped before climbing into bed with me.

We kissed passionately and intensely. My hands and legs drew Jefferson as close as possible to me as his hands caressed my face and ran through my hair.

I moaned as we kissed, aching to have him inside me.

Soon enough he threw the covers back and climbed between my legs to grab for a condom.

“Oh look, you’re tattoo is back,” he said as he rolled the condom on.
“Or is it?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Rub it....” (My temp one I had over the summer would rub off very easily)

He rubbed his thumb over it and I could see his face starting with that look of excitement.

“Surprise!”
“It’s real?!”
“Uh huh!” I nodded as I grinned.
“Oh wow! That’s so cool!” he said excitedly, his face totally lit up “When did you get it?”
“Last Friday.”
“Wow, it healed really fast.”
“Yep!”

Once he finished admiring my new marking, he started fucking me.

And there’s not a whole lot write about that hasn’t already been described. It was good, hot sex served up vanilla style. It’s kind of how we’ve been lately.

We finished with a blow job and I made Jefferson cum with my mouth, trying to satiate him over the weekend when he had his kids.

“We didn’t have time to try out the new crop,” I pouted.
“Maybe we can try it out on Tuesday.”

Tuesday would be the return of the sex parties. After taking the summer off, Jefferson was ready to start them back up again, but only monthly now.

We cleaned up, put away all evidence of sex, and headed out together.

I had thought I might go to The Met to look at some paintings for class, but I was exhausted and headed straight home and right into bed for a nice nap.


29 October 2006

Sweet September (Part 2)

September starts to go downhill around this point.

It’s already obvious how emotional I am from my break-down the previous weekend.

The next one was just as hard.

It started off nice enough with a fun visit to The Met with some roommates and friends. But it quickly went down hill with another fight with Mitzi and then finding out my aunt died.

Monday I hit the lowest of low I’d been in 2 years. More than 2 years.

I got jealous, over what embarrassingly turned out to be nothing. And jealousy is an awful feeling. To be upset over something you have no control over. And to be upset with someone you love.

But in my frustration and sadness, I slipped up. I felt helpless, and I cut. For the first time since high school. I had forgotten how it made me feel better. How good it felt. And I cried. Because I was hurting. And because it felt like I’d reignited my addiction

I felt even worse when I found out my jealousy was unjustified.

I had hoped to never have to talk about this with Jefferson, or here. Because it was behind me.

And I had to tell him. Because he would see the marks and I wouldn’t have been able to see his face upon first discovery.

I don’t like telling people cause they can look at me differently or treat me different, and I hate that.

But I told him. And, well, Jefferson’s a gem.

“I won't treat you any differently, dear. I love you, and I understand.”

And I wanted to hug him so tightly just then because I couldn’t have asked for a better response.

Luckily I only had to wait until the next day to see him.

And we agreed on a little bit of a later time, so I wouldn’t have to wait. But he was late again. For the 3rd week in a row. And I was pissed.

And I don’t really get pissed that easily.

I was less annoyed that I had to wait, but because I knew he was coming from somewhere else (someone else) and it was cutting into my time. That which I don’t get a whole lot of. And, yes, I was jealous.

He walked into the lobby and I stood up and curtly declared, “I’m not talking to you” as we walked to the elevator.

We sat on the couch, him at one end, me at the other with my arms crossed over my chest, and my legs crossed away from him.

“Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.”

I didn’t stay mad for too long. I generally don’t. And I think half an hour was sufficient enough for Jefferson to understand that even I get mad.

I eventually found myself in Jefferson’s arms and snuggled in tight as he wrapped around me on the couch.

We just laid together silently, as we often do, our energies blending together and his touch and embrace comforting me.

“How about we go do this in bed?”
I nodded and followed him back to the bedroom.

“Look, I wore a pretty bra” I said as I undressed, but quickly removed it and climbed in bed, self-conscious of my cuts.

He held me tight.

“Guess what,” I said.
“What?”
“I love you.”
“Aww, I love you too, sweetheart,” he said kissing the top of my head.

I smiled and kissed him.

We fucked for a while until it was time to go and gave another show to the high schoolers as we kissed goodbye at the subway stop.

The next day I ran away. But not for bad reasons. Well, not entirely.

I knew from Jefferson’s blog Madeline was going to be in town, and dear God I wished I hadn’t known that. And I didn’t want to be sitting around my dorm room knowing they were together.

Jealousy really does suck.

I didn’t think it would turn bad. I brought my camera and art supplies with the intention to create.

How I suddenly fleed, avoiding my roommates, packing up at the spur of the moment.

I should have known.

Since I’ve already written about it, I won’t go into great detail again.

So I sent off a quick e-mail to Jefferson as I packed:

“Have a good weekend baby. Try not to forget about me too much.

But I'm packing my Hawthorne and vodka and leaving my computer behind and heading out somewhere for the weekend after class tonight.

I love you.”

And left a note for my roommates that I’d “gone fishin’” for the weekend and headed off.

The rest of the details you can read here.

But I will fill you all in on a little detail I left out.

After cutting again, I knew I didn’t want to do it again. I didn’t want to constantly be covered in fresh cuts again. It’s not so good for my sex life, ya know? And I didn’t want to feel like and addict again.

So the next night, in anticipation of another crash, I made a pre-emptive strike.

I got a tattoo. Painful and permanent. Kinda like cutting, but cooler and prettier.

And you know, it’s been a month and I still haven’t taken a picture of it?

So all I have for you is a Google image:



It means passion, and I think it’s absolutely essential to have passion in life.

I love it. It’s on the front of my hip, just above my pubic area.

It’s so freaking cool.

I’m itching to get my next one once I have enough money.

Well I quickly grew tired of being alone without my computer and I was feeling better after my tattoo and decided to pack up and head back to school.

The next morning I wrote Jefferson:

“I’m back early. I got bored. But I have a really, really cool surprise!”

Jefferson’s face was priceless when he saw the tattoo, but that you’ll have to read about when I write about events from October!


Spanking/BDSM Survey

Have you ever...


1. Posted to a spanking/BDSM newsgroup/bulletin board/mailing list? Yes

2. Bought/downloaded spanking/BDSM pictures? Yes

3. Bought/downloaded spanking/BDSM magazines or literature? Yes

4. Been in a spanking/BDSM chat room? Yes

5. Bought spanking/BDSM-related books in a real bookstore? Yes

6. Written a spanking/BDSM story? Yes

7. Looked up the word "spank" or other BDSM term in the dictionary? Yes

8. Bought/watched a spanking/BDSM video? Yes

9. Cyber-spanked someone or been cyber-spanked? No

1o. Watched someone else get spanked in real life? Yes

11. Been to a fetish shop? Yes

12. Purchased toys specifically for spanking? Yes

13. Made your own spanking toys? No

14. Spent more than $100 on a single spanking toy? Yes

15. Owned 10 or more spanking toys? No (not yet at least, lol)

16. Had a spanking fantasy while masturbating? Yes

17. Had a spanking fantasy about a real life spanking you'd seen/read about? Yes

18. Had a spanking fantasy while having sex? Yes

19. Spanked/been spanked while touching intimately? Yes

20. Spanked/been spanked during sex? Yes

21. Had an orgasm while spanking/being spanked? No

22. Spanked/been spanked with no specifically sexual overtones whatsoever? No

23. Spanked/been spanked on the bare bottom? Yes

24. Spanked/been spanked for more than 10 minutes? Yes

25. Spanked/been spanked for more than an hour? No

26. Been involved in a situation where if something went wrong, the only means to stop the scene was a safeword? Yes

27. Used your safeword/ had someone use their safeword? No

28. Spanked/been spanked where there was no safeword? Yes

Spanked/been spanked with:


29. A hand? Yes

30. Paddle? Yes

31. Hairbrush? No

32. Ruler? No

33. Spoon? Yes

34. Cane? Yes

35. Switch/birch? No

36. Crop? Yes

37. Belt/strap? Yes

38. Flogger/whip? Yes

39. Implement with holes? No, don't think so

40. Ordinary object not intended for spanking, such as a remote control or shoe? No

Have you ever...


41. Broken a toy (over someone's bottom) during spanking play? No

42. Switched? (been spanked if you are primarily a top, or spanked someone if you are primarily a bottom) Yes

43. Spanked/been spanked on the back of the thighs? Yes

44. Spanked/been spanked on the front of/inside of the thighs? No

45. Spanked/been spanked on the breasts/genitals? No

46. Wet your/your partner's bottom to make it sting more? No

47. Spanked/been spanked outside? No

48. Spanked/been spanked in a hotel? Yes

49. Spanked/been spanked in a car? No

50. Spanked/been spanked in a bath, shower or hot tub? No

51. Made someone do something/been made to do something they/you did not want to do? No

52. Punished someone/been punished for not doing something correctly or refusing to do something in a scene? Yes

53. Punished someone/been punished for a real life issue? No

54. Used spanking "talk"? (i.e. "You've been very naughty," "I'll be good." etc.) No

55. Been involved in the acting out of a roleplay fantasy? Yes

56. Been involved in the acting out of an ageplay fantasy? No

57. Asked for/been asked for a spanking? Yes

58. Made someone/been made to count the spanks? Yes

59. Made someone stand/stood in the corner? No

60. Made someone stand/stood in the corner for more than 5 minutes? No

61. Been provoked/provoked someone into spanking you by acting like a brat? Yes

62. Deliberately disobeyed/had someone deliberately disobey, in order to get spanked? No

63. Kept a list of "infractions" to spank/be spanked for later? No

64. Spanked yourself? No

65. Spanked yourself at the instruction of someone else/instructed someone to spank him/herself? Yes

66. Required someone to/been required to call someone Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress/Mommy/Daddy/some-other-variation during spanking play? Yes

67. Met someone specifically for spanking play? Yes

68. Travelled more than 100 miles to spank/be spanked? Possibly, or close to it

69. Placed/answered a spanking personal? Yes

70. Gone to a play party or club? No

71. Participated in play with someone at a play party or club? No

72. Spanked/been spanked by someone whose name you didn't know? No

73. Paid or been paid to spank someone? No

74. Been involved in a spanking scene with more than one person at a time? Yes

75. Spanked/been spanked by both men and women? (not necessarily at the same time)? Yes

76. Spanked/been spanked on a spanking horse or someother piece of furniture specifically designed for spanking? No

77. Made videotapes of your spanking play? Yes

78. Taken pictures of/had your partner take pictures of you during or after spanking play? Yes

79. Admired your/your partner's bottom in the mirror after a spanking? Yes

80. Spanked someone/been spanked nude? Yes

81. Bought new underwear specifically for spanking play? No

82. Worn fetish clothing (schoolgirl outfit, leather, etc?) Yes

83. Worn fetish clothing in public? No

84. Spanked/been spanked so that the spankee had trouble sitting afterward? Yes

85. Spanked/been spanked so that the spankee had trouble sitting the next day? Yes

86. Spanked/been spanked so there were marks/bruises showing? Yes

87. Spanked/been spanked so there were marks/bruises showing for more than a day? Yes

88. Had to explain your marks to a vanilla person? No

Been involved with any of the following in connection with spanking play?

89. Restraint (ie. holding someone down, trapping their legs, etc.)? Yes

90. Restraint with ropes, cuffs, scarves or other bondage toys? Yes

91. Blindfolds? Yes

92. Gags? Yes

93. Nipple clamps/clothespins? Yes

94. Icy hot or some other heat-enhancing cream? No

95. Ginger root or some other burning/stinging substance inserted anally? No

96. A butt plug, dildo or vibrator? Yes

97.Mouthsoaping? No

98. Enemas? No

99. Temperature taking? No

100. Cried/made someone cry from a spanking? No


28 October 2006

Sweet September (Part 1)

Summer ended a week early for me, with the last week of August being cloudy and cold, it was a complete washout for the beach. Even if I did brave it with Jefferson and Mitzi.

And so it was time to pack for school.

I wasn’t happy about that.

I had just finished my summer classes only a few weeks earlier and I wasn’t too excited to be getting back into learning mode.

Not to mention I was going to be living in a triple in a 5 person apartment. And three of the girls are all brothers in a fraternity (co-ed, and they like being called brothers). I knew how the sorority girls were and I was hoping I wouldn’t want to kill myself.

I did of course Facebook them before I signed up and they seemed reasonably normal.

A few days before I was set to move in I got an e-mail from one of the girls asking what I could bring and they were already moved in from helping the freshman move in.

Great. $10 bucks says I got the top bunk.

Move in day finally came, and of course I waited until the last minute to pack. Duh!

My parents actually came to help me move in (unlike last year where I did it all myself!).

Me and my step-dad did most of the work

Of course.

I met the girls in the other room first as my roommates were at a show in NY, and they seemed pretty cool, and when I met my roommates later that evening, I could tell almost right away that it wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating and we might all get a long.

And here it is late October, and I’d say, for the most part, that’s still true.

Classes started the Wednesday after Labor day and just attending 3 our of my 4 classes Wednesday and Thursday I was already nervous about my workload, but was hopeful. Oh how naïve.

Jefferson and I kicked off the school year with a return to our morning routine. The time was blissful, and simple. Just two lovers enjoying their time together. It’s how we’ve been spending all our time together lately. The 4 hours flew by in a flash, and I found myself wishing for the lazy days of summer to come back when we could spend hours together relaxing and not worrying about time.

We departed at the subway station with hot kisses and I headed back to Jersey and back down to my beach house for the last hurrah of summer.

The weather was supposed to be gorgeous and I was headed to a flea market!

I was up bright and early Saturday morning and headed to the huge bi-annual Ocean Grove flea market with my mom and two of her colleagues that had come down the night before.

We spent at least 4 hours there and still didn’t see the whole damn thing!

But I had my first zeppolis and damn good fresh kettle corn!! Yummy!!

Afterwards we all headed to the beach, but by the late afternoon it had cooled down a bit, and the ocean was downright chilly. But that ended up not mattering because I conked out in my beach chair for over an hour!

It was our intention to go to my favorite restraint where they have the best crab chowder in the world, but the wait was too long (even in September) and we forgoed it for a dumb Chinese buffet.

Oh well, it was a good enough hurrah I guess.

Good thing because I came down with a narsty cold Monday night.

That lasted and lasted.

But as sick as I was, I still managed to drag myself into the city to see Jefferson.

Who better to comfort me and take care of me?

But I got there early and he got there late.

Though that gave me more time to work on my essay on Transcendentalism.

Whatever the fuck that is! Lol.

The whole morning I stayed wrapped in his arms, but our lips never touched save for a light peck. It was weird, and hard to not kiss on the lips. But we kissed everywhere else. And Jefferson was sweet and gentle as we made love.

We were quiet that morning. Content with each other’s touch.

“A little quiet and cuddly, which, you know, we need now and then.” As Jefferson put it.

We parted again at the subway station and as much as I wanted to skip class that night, I couldn’t justify it after going into the city for sex.

My cold didn’t get much better and I felt like death the next day. But I was well enough Friday to go see The Illusionist with my friends and laugh it up at Chevys making absolute fools out of ourselves and annoying customers all around. Man, it was great.

Until I got home, and out of nowhere broke down in tears. And took down my blog.

Why? Because I thought I should end it with Jefferson.

I can’t really explain why I came to such a sudden conclusion, but here’s bits and pieces of what I talked about with Mitzi that night, to help better explain what I was thinking:

i can't stand how i feel about him when i know it's so stupid because i can't ever be with him, and it's not even that i want to, i just feel so unsettled sometimes with how strongly i feel about him
and it's not like i get jealous or that i want to see him every day(that's no longer true)
i'm happy with our relationship, and i told him, but i guess i just get scared of being attached to him

i'm mad at myself for loving him as much as i do, when it feels so pointless
and i liked tried to cut down my attachment and i wasn't telling him i loved him for like a few months

Mitzi: what is your biggest fear?
Me: not feeling loved

but i'm not unhappy with him, i get scared by my feelings
that's why this is a hard decision for me to make and why i'm in tears over it

at this moment, i just wish i hadn't met him, that i hadn't gotten into such a decadent sexual lifestyle

i let myself fall in love. i tried so hard not to

i'm just terrified: of maybe never seeing him again and of never finding someone that made me feel like Jefferson did


And all of this happened while Jefferson was out in the woods, so I was left to sit with it until he got back. But I ultimately decided ending things with Jefferson wasn’t the decision I needed to make, but I knew it was something I needed to talk to him about.

And I planned on talking about it the next time I saw him, but I chickened out.

I hate talking about my feelings, especially the hard ones.

We had another nice morning together (even though he was late again). We talked a bit and he told me tales from Dark Odyssey and I could tell he was waiting for me to bring it up.

Why I’d taken down my blog, and what I needed to talk with him about.

He asked me if everything was ok, and I just looked at him and thought how much I loved him and I knew how much he cared about me, and I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.

With him.

I assured him everything was fine, and we should go fuck.

And we did a lot of kissing. To make up for the week before when I was sick.

And we made out like teenagers at the subway stop again, soliciting some “ewws” from kids that got out of school at the same time.

When I got home I sent him the e-mail explaining what I couldn’t say in person:

So, you were waiting for me to talk about what happened this weekend weren't you? I wasn't exactly sure if you were just waiting for me to bring it up, or I was even paranoid for some reason you actually knew what happened. Well, aside from the fact that I hate talking about my feelings, I still didn't know what to say really. I'm still not sure.

Well, first, my "break-down" Friday night was over you, because I had worked my self up over this imaginary conflict in my head. I'm still trying to pin point why (and I think that's hard because it's probably a lot of different reasons), but I had come to the conclusion that it was necessary I stop seeing you. And I didn't really like that, and it killed me and I cried and cried for like 2 hours. And every time I would stop, I would think of the idea of never seeing you again and I would start all over again.

I told you I was happy with us, and that wasn't a lie. It's very, very true. But it's also hard for me because I grew up having very romantic and traditional ideas of how love and relationships are supposed to go. And so, in my head, one dates to hopefully form a relationship to potentially lead to marriage if all goes well and circumstances are right.

But here I am with you, in such an unconventional relationship and you're someone I care for so much, and work so hard to make happy, and love so deeply (though whenever I love, it's always very deep and very passionate, I blame it on my being an Aries, lol), except you're not my boyfriend. Nor do I need you to be. But it does feel like you are, in a way. And some days, particularly when I'm already extra emotional (especially in the fall when I often slip into a mild depression), I get a little melancholy over the fact I love someone I'll never be with. And I also get scared I'm going to get hurt one day since I am so attached to you.

I'm not sure still what exactly it all means though.

I absolutely want to keep seeing you. That I'm sure of.

But the rest, I still have to mull over I suppose.

But I love you.


He took it in, and took it well. I’m always welcome to share my feelings with him and that if I do ever decide to end things with him, to include him in the decision.

Fair enough.

And I know this might sound odd to some, but Jefferson can sometimes be a man of few words.

But that’s not to say his few words don’t hold enormous meaning.

We’d moved to a different level now though. I felt I could talk to him about stuff now. That it wouldn’t be so strange. He wasn’t just a lover, he was a friend. A good friend.

But still not my boyfriend.

At least not for now.

And I’ll follow up on the rest of September in part deux…


27 October 2006

Oh Yeah Baby


50,000 hits baby!!



26 October 2006

Shit, Piss, and Corruption

I need money. In the worst way possible.

I've gone through about $1,100 since the beginning of September.

And now I have to pay back parking tickets so my roommate can register for classes because my car is registered under her name (long story). And I'm about to cry because my mom won't lend me the money and wants me to use my tuition refund for this, which means I'll have about $100 to live on until the end of December. For all my groceries and gas.

I'm seriously about to cry.


25 October 2006

Early To Bed

Lately I've been getting to be around 3, waking up around noon and taking a nap sometime during the evening.

But today, I didn't take a nap. I had my crocheting class!! It was fun. I don't know if I'll necessarily have the patience to make more than one scarf though. It's a bitch of a process!

But, having not taken my nap, coupled with my new reduced calorie diet, and my depression, I'm quite ready for bed.

Not like I need to wait up for any e-mails or anything.


Go NJ!!

I just read that today, NJ courts are ruling on whether or not we'll allow same-sex marriage!! See:

NJ High Court to Rule on Gay Marriage

TRENTON, N.J. — Gay couples waiting to hear Wednesday if New Jersey becomes the second U.S. state to allow same-sex marriage said the state Supreme Court's decision would make it one of the happiest or saddest days of their lives.

The New Jersey Supreme Court was poised to release the highly anticipated decision later Wednesday in a case brought by seven gay couples who say the state constitution allows them to marry, said Winnie Comfort, a spokeswoman for the state judiciary.

"If it's a yes, it will be one of the happiest days, if it's a no, it will be a huge disappointment," said Saundra Heath-Toby, a plaintiff in the case who would like to marry Alicia Toby-Heath, the woman she already calls her wife.

New Jersey is one of only five states with neither a law nor a state constitutional amendment blocking same-sex marriage. As a result, the state is more likely than others to allow gays to wed, said advocacy groups on both sides.

Only Massachusetts _ by virtue of a 2003 ruling from that state's top court _ allows gay marriages.

Proponents and opponents from across the country are watching the case closely.

"New Jersey is a stepping stone," said Matt Daniels, president of the Virginia-based Alliance for Marriage, a group pushing for an amendment to the federal Constitution to outlaw same-sex marriage. "It's not about New Jersey."

From a practical standpoint, the Massachusetts court decision made little impact nationally because the state has a law barring out-of-state couples from wedding there if their marriages would not be recognized in their home states.

New Jersey has no such law.

People on both sides of the issue expect a victory for same-sex unions would make New Jersey a destination for gay couples from around the country who want to get married. Some of those couples could return home and sue to have their marriages recognized.

Daniels said gay-rights advocates are already looking ahead to such lawsuits. "Their game, of course, is they figure all they need to do is execute this maneuver in a half-dozen states and they'll have the momentum," he said.

David S. Buckel, the Lambda Legal lawyer who argued on behalf of the seven New Jersey couples, said he expects some couples would travel to the New Jersey to get married if his suit is successful. But, he said, "it won't be tidal."

Buckel said that there have been relatively few such lawsuits filed in the U.S. by couples who went to Canada to exchange vows.

And, he said, while many same-sex couples would prefer to be married, they are getting more legal protections for their relationships. Several states, including New Jersey, offer domestic partnerships or civil unions with some of the benefits of marriage. A growing number of employers are treating same-sex couples the same way they treat married couples.

Cases similar to New Jersey's are pending in California, Connecticut, Iowa and Maryland.

Conservatives watching the cases believe the best chance for gay marriage to be allowed would be in New Jersey, where the state Supreme Court has a history of extending civil rights protections.

Gay marriage supporters have had a two-year losing streak, striking out in state courts in New York and Washington state and in ballot boxes in 15 states where constitutions have been amended to ban same-sex unions.

Link


#200-Painting

This is my 200th post already.

I just wrote my 100th in August!

So, like I've written, I've been really into my painting lately. I've made 15 this month, 6 alone on Saturday.

My paintings totally give away my mood.

One night I was feeling pretty down and painted 3 canvases in a dark-blue/black background.

The next week I was feeling better and was using bright reds and yellows and cheery colors.

Tonight I'm back to another dark color.

I feel like crap right now.

I weighed myself last night and I broke down in tears. I hadn't realized how much weight I'd gained. I knew I had put on some because my jeans were a little tight. I'm not even wearing them anymore because they're too tight. But I was absolutely shocked really.

I couldn't bear the thought of eating today. And I didn't until like 5:30. And of course I had to get rid of it. I couldn't stand it. And then I ate disgusting pasta after a long nap.

And now I'm painting with dark colors.

Why? Because I'm so fat.

And because I haven't heard from Jefferson since Saturday morning, where as we usually e-mail everyday and now my head is filled with paranoid thoughts that don't make much sense and are probably not true. So I don't want to get pissed until I know I have good reason to.

So, yeah, I'm pretty miserable right now.

But watching season 1 of the Sopranos with my roommate, so that's cool.


Doctor's Visit

So I saw a new psychiatrist today. He didn't suck. For $500 for an hour's evaluation, he better not!

Dare I say I even liked him?

He says he has a special interest in bipolar physiology. And he understands my skepicism over taking meds. But we'll talk next week about trying some new ones. I'm open to trying new ones. I think it's dumb to try ones I already know don't work.

He also understands why I freak when people say my generation could live to 115. And he understands why even living to 60 seems daunting to me.

He gets my conercen as well that I worry I could end up killing myself one day, and I'm scared it could be when I have a family and children, and there's the possiblity I could leave my children motherless.

He's expensive, but I like him, so we'll see.


24 October 2006

Waiting Room

Name: Avah
Age: 20
DOB: 4.8.86
Sex: F
Marital Status: Single
Yearly Income: Broke
Sexual Preference: Bisexual
Religion: Jewish
Political Affiliation: Deomocrat

Check off all appropriate symptoms:
Depression: Check
Mania: Check
Eating Disorder: Check
Suicidal Ideation: Check
Homicidal Ideation: Nope, but close!
Excessive Anger:

"Hey mom, would you say I've had excessive anger?"
"Yes. I think breaking a door falls under that catagory.

Excessive Anger: Check
Relationship problems: Check

"Let me see..."
"Mom, this is confidential!"
"What, do you have something on there you don't want me to see?"
"Maybe."
"Well, just cover up what you don't want me to see."

I put my thumb over bisexual as she glanced over the sheet.

But I didn't think to hide the fact I was covering my sexual preference.

"Why are you covering that?"
"Cause."
"What, did you write both?"
"Maybe."
"Well, I already knew that."
"You did?!"
"Yeah, you told me."
"When?"
"When Mitzi and Jefferson came over."
"Oh, I wasn't really sure if I had."

A few seconds of silence.

"Well, what do you think about it?"
"What does it matter what I think."
"Well, what if I were to bring a girl home?"
"I think you're at an age where you're experimenting..."
"I'm not experimenting."
"I just know you want to get married and have kids. Could you hand me the People magazine?"
"Mom!"
"I just don't get it, I remember you saying like last year or something going Ew about being with another girl."
"I don't remember that."
"That's really just a shame," she said pointing to a photo from the Amish school killings.

Discussion over.

I wasn't really happy that's how my mom reacted. I thought she'd be better about it. But I'm out to my mother now.

But, you know, I'm just experimenting.

Doesn't matter I know I could fall in love with a women. Maybe I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to spend my life with a woman, but I am open to the possiblity.

Kinda sucks. Oh well.


Bored and randomness

I've gotten bored with writing my sex stories. I mean, how many times can I write about fucking and have it be interesting? Not to mention no one seems to even notice I haven't written a story in a while...so, like why bother?

I've been wanting to finish up my series of stories from when Jefferson and Mitzi visited me at the end of August. So here it is: reader's digest version.

So, we ate dinner then we all fucked and Jefferson gave Mitzi and I spankings then Mitzi blew him until he came. I passed out and woke up after a bit and hung out with them in the living room until we all went to bed. I slept in the middle and it's really crowded there. I was really happy to be sleeping between my two closest friends. Mitzi's dog was barking because she didn't have a pillow on the ground to sleep on, so I put one out for her. Mitzi moved to the couch at one point in the morning, and when Jefferson and I woke up we fucked a bit, and then he started eating me out and Mitzi came in to watch. We eventually pulled ourselves out of bed because Mitzi and Jefferson had to get back to the city. I went to WaWa and got us all milkshakes and some stuff for breakfast. Breakfast was slow, and we ended up missing some trains, even though I raced a bit. It was sad going back to an empty house, and I wished they could have stayed longer, but we should definately do it again next summer.

And there's not a lot to write about in September. I saw Jefferson a bunch of times, and it was all pretty low key and nothing out of the ordinary.

Maybe I'll get back into writing stories with the return of the sex parties and the "really, really" nice time Jefferson and I had on Friday.... and maybe I'll finally explain why I took my blog down that one weekend (if anyone's even still curious or rememebers that, lol)....

I'm really kind of a role with my paintings. I've done 14? I think in the month. And I just purchased rolled canvas and am making my own custom canvases now, in a shape that I can't get in the store. It's fucking awesome!

And I'm taking a class at the local AC Moore (craft shop) on crocheting so I'm going to learn how to do that and make some scarves for Christmas/Hannukah presents. Though I don't want to give everyone scarves, so I'll have to figure out what else I can make.

And let's see. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I left my old one of like 5 years cause he's a douche, and my parents' agree. I hate seeing new doctors. But apparently he has a good reputation, so we'll see. I don't know if I'll necessarily go on medication, but I at least need to see a dr. to get diagnosed as depressed for school.

So, yeah. That's all.


23 October 2006

Ouch

I have a profile up on AFF. I've had a profile since I was 17. There are times I turn it off, there are times I turn it on to actively seek out getting laid, and times when I just turn it on to see what interesting e-mails I get.

Lately my profile has stated I want to meet girls, and with that comes the e-mails from couples. Couples are always looking for the elusive bi girl willing to join a couple. I could be that girl. I'm comfortable in group situations and certainly know what to do with a girl.

But I have a certain "limitation," if you will. And I'm well aware of it, and though it hasn't really limited me in my sex life, it creeps up now and again. My body is far from perfect. I'm undenyibly chubby and I am in fact heavier than I would like to be. I'm not obese, and I don't even shop in Lane Bryant.

But I'm also aware of bi girls wanting to be with thin girls. They state it in their adds and it's quite obvious anyways.

So when an attractive couple from the city e-mailed me, I ignored them. She had to have been a size 4 and so wouldn't want anything to do with me. But they kept e-mailing me. 3 times in like a week, total. So, I gave in and IMed them.

We traded a few hellos back and forth when they asked to see some more picutures. I sent my most current ones, trying to find the most full bodied ones, but didn't really have any. After they sent some sexier ones of themselves, they asked to see something that showed my body more. I sent the one nekkid one I had that showed most of my body, and was promptly rejected.

Sorry, I'm not their type, but good luck in my search.

Gee, I freaking knew that!


21 October 2006

Horoscope

This was in my horoscope today: Sometimes quitting is just understanding your capabilities and acting accordingly.

I thought it was so appropriate after deciding to withdraw from classes for the semester.

I've never been good at school. Doing homework and studying was always the biggest chore, and often times just didn't get done. And it's been this way since I was in 1st grade.

I don't know what posessed me to take classes that required 200-300 pages of reading a week!

And then my depression hit, and I knew I was in for trouble.

So, after much consideration, talking, and even crying, I decided it was best to drop 3 of my 4 classes.

All I'm left with is my art history class, the only one I haven't fallen behind in.

So now I have all this free time. I'm not sure how exactly I'll fill it all. I can spend so much time on my art now. And I'm thinking of taking up knitting or crocheting to make my Christmas presents. Maybe I can have some more sex too. Cause once a week isn't quite enough.


20 October 2006

I Had to Share This

Conversation on the Six-of-the-Best Train

Disproportionately hot nerd girl: You know, I was scarred by a guy once. It was on a fur rug. With a knife.
Attractive nerd guy: Wow. Real fur?
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Real knife too. Very 'Kushiel's Dart' sort of moment.
Attractive nerd guy: He must have thought you were pretty special, I mean, what do you have to do to get blood out of fur? I'm guessing it's dryclean only.
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Anyway that was my first, and only, foray into S&M. After that I stuck to D&D.

-- 6 Train

Overheard by: Scott Gresham


via Overheard in New York, Oct 20, 2006


19 October 2006

I Had To Laugh

So, I my mom came out to school today and we went and got dinner. It was sweet. It was cause I left my phone in my car and so wasn't picking up for like 2 days and she got worried. Just cause I was too lazy to get my phone, lol.

But that's not the funny part.

The funny part is on the way back to school she tells me she's going to put my bedside stand in my closet down at the beach house.

My bedside stand with allllllll my sex toys.

"You looked in the drawers didn't you Mom."
"Yes."
"The top one or the middle one?"
"All of them..."
"OMG! Why wouldn't you stop after the 1st one?"
"I was hoping there wouldn't be more."
"Oh God. Well, I have stuff in my closet too."
"You do? Oh God. Where?"
"Hanging on the wall."
"OMG you have whips?!"
"Haha, um, just one. And it's small." (I also have a cane and crop, but I thought I'd rather not explain those).
"Oh this is more than a mother wants to know."
"It's ok. I was certainly surprised when I was looking to borrow socks one day."
"Oh God."

And I just laughed and laughed.

I thought it was pretty funny.


17 October 2006

Meebo Me!

So I added Meebo to my site today, you can see it on the right...

I already had my first little chat with Kyma (until I got disconnected because of my school's testy internet connections).

If you see me online, feel free to say hello!! I can see you online too, and if I say hi, don't be shy!

I hope this works out well!


I Don't Think So

So Chore Boy called me this morning. We haven't spoken since this summer and I haven't seen him since like June or July.

He wants to work out some kind of sugar daddy arrangement.

Under normal circumstances I would say yes. Normal circumstances being it was a man who could keep it hard and was a decent enough lay.

So no, I have no desire to fuck him. Even for money or stuff in return.

Blech.


16 October 2006

Did Anyone Else Realize??

That it's half way through October?

Damn!


My Voyeur Roommates

So, I was telling two of my roommates this weekend all about Jefferson's sex parties. And they were eating it up! They were so fascinated and asking all these questions, it was hysterical.

And now they want to go see one, and just watch. Except we all agree it would be weird for them to watch me.

Like, seriously.

My roommates are funny though.

The picky one (who's become less picky) was telling me about how she likes it a little bit rough with her boyfriend and likes to do "play rape" with him. Kinky, I know! Even I've never done that (not that I don't want to...).

And the other one, well, she's pretty vanilla, just curious about sex parties.

My roommates are so cool, lol.


15 October 2006

Dear Anonymous

Dear Commenter whose ISP registers from San Jose, CA:

I am getting your comments. But no, I'm not posting them due to their irrelivance and inappropriateness.

I don't write about seduction because there's no stories to tell. And a middle aged man would have a very hard time hitting on me.

I don't write about escorting because it's not part of my life anymore. If you want to read about escorting, I can point you in the direction of several good blogs written by active escorts.

I don't do married men either. Unless I'm being paid, and even then I don't like it.

And I'm also pretty sure it's you making the obscenely rude comments about me and Jefferson.

I choose to have comment moderation so I don't have douchebag comments like yours tainting my site. You can keep leaving them if you want, but don't count on many of them getting posted really.

I appreciate how much you read my blog and how involved in it you are, really, I do.

But Jesus man, tone down the creepy asshole factor a bit, will ya??


14 October 2006

God Damn It!!

So I went to plan B for sex tonight...

And that didn't workout either!!!

Mother fucker I need to have sex this weekend or else I'm going to get seriously upset.


Song in our hearts

"Fidelity"
Regina Spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart



Pissed Off

So I was supposed to be having sex tonight.

Except I got cancelled on. For the umpteenth time from this guy. Needless to say I'm sick of making dates that don't work out with him. (And I know you're reading this). Not to mention I would have gone in last night to see him, when he suggested it, but because of head games he insisted on playing, that didn't happen either.

Mother fucker, I'm so pissed off right now!

I can't spend the entire weekend in my dorm. I can't. I'll just burst. But of course I probably will since I'm not really all that into picking up strangers.

Son of a bitch.


13 October 2006

Disney Orgy

Disney says "non" to Mouse orgy

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The Walt Disney Co. on Thursday said it took "appropriate action" against employees at its Paris theme park who were caught simulating sex while dressed as Disney characters in a digital video that has received wide attention on the Internet.

Disney would not say whether it had dismissed any of the costumed employees featured in the grainy video, which appears to have been shot with a hidden camera at a backstage dressing room at Disneyland Resort Paris.

"The behavior shown on the video is unacceptable and inexcusable," Disney said in a statement.

"The video was taken in the backstage area not accessible to guests. Appropriate action has been taken to deal with the cast members involved."

The video shows Minnie Mouse struggling to free herself as she is grabbed from behind by Goofy and then a giant snowman.

Later, Mickey Mouse simulates sex with the snowman and Goofy does the same with either Chip or Dale, the chipmunks, as laughter is heard on the tape.

The tape is described on the Internet as the "Mouse Orgy."


Reuters Oddly Enough


I Can't Believe I Forgot About This!

So, I was reading through one of my old diaries when I stumbled across an entry about Robby. I remembered it was him that said the craziest thing to me in bed.

Ok, are you ready for it?

While fucking me, he says, with such passion, "I love fucking your Jewish pussy."

I didn't realize Jewish pussys were any different from shiksa ones.

He also asked me that same night if I celebrated Thanksgiving. You know, cause I'm Jewish.

So, now my readers, please, please, please fill me in and comment and let me know what's the strangest thing someone's said to you in bed!!


12 October 2006

6 Month Check In

It's been 6 whole months already since I started this blog! Can you believe that?

And so much has happened in that time!

I've discovered the exhibitionist in me and have participated in bukkake shows and am a regular attendee of Jefferson's orgies now.

I've also developed my lesbian side and have come to love my strap-on as if it were actually my own, lol. But, it isn't exclusively for girlie parts. I've had quite a few bent-over boys on the end of it.

And not only have I had boys and girls on the recieving end of my cock, they've also been on the recieving end of my whip!

And let's not the forget my first witnessing of really hot boy-boy action!

There have been so many firsts, I'm sure I must have forgotten something.

And there are so many more firsts I hope to conquer as time goes on:
being dommed by a girl
perhaps being double or even triple teamed by some boys?
I wouldn't mind getting in on double teaming a girl
and I'm all for a solo lebian encounter. Many encounters, really.
being dommed in another language, lol. Hopefully I'll have those stories come spring!

Also in June, 2 months after the start of the blog, I did a fun analysis of my stats and so I thought I'd do that again.

My visitor stats, going way back to April:

  • In April we started of slowly with only 413 unique visitors with 713 page loads and only 84 returning visitors.
  • May surged with 5,772 unique visitors with 9,860 page loads and 604 people came back!
  • June finished up with 4,968 unique visitors and8,454 page loads with 917 returning visits!
  • July dipped a little more with 4,514 unique visitors and 7,651 page loads with 828 people returning.
  • August took a nose dive with only 2,877 unique visitors and 4,447 page loads with only 528 returning visits!
  • But September bounced back with 5,364 visitors and 9,815 page loads and a lovely 1,034 returning visits!
  • And so far in October I've had 2,495 visitors and 4,522 page loads and 508 returning visitors.
My Top 3 Referrers:
My most popular posts:
  1. Beach Bums
  2. Fucking Mitzi- 100th Post
  3. Back in His Arms

Also:
I've had 182 posts and 289 comments (that averages 1.5 comments a post, so pitiful!)

I hope you've all been enjoying my blog so far. I have more fun stories to relay for you all and I hope you'll keep coming back and seeing how life unfolds for me!


Totally the Way to Do It

Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century

Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.

Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia


via Overheard in the Office, Oct 10, 2006


11 October 2006

Aches

My body aches today.

My back and neck, my arms, me legs.

You know what that means, right?

A very good story.


Barely Legal

Dave arrived and we all introduced ourselves. He had some dinner with him and I set him at the kitchen table to eat. Jefferson, Mitzi, and I hung out in the living room as we waited for him to finish.

He joined us once he was done and we made a little small talk with him.

“Are you nervous at all?” Jefferson asked him.
“No, not really,” he said.
“Should we just get started then?” Jefferson then suggested.
“Sure.”

Well, ok then.

The four of us moved to my bedroom and Mitzi and I watched as Jefferson undressed the boy.

There certainly is something to be said for how cute 18 year olds are.

Jefferson kissed Dave a bit and leads him back onto the bed. I grab a rubber glove and some lube, and kneel on the end of the bed between Dave’s legs. My gloved, right hand smeared lube around his hole and I dipped a finger in gently as my left hand rubbed his stomach and cock to sooth him.

The was actually my first time fingering someone’s ass, and it was such a strange feeling!

I slid my finger in and out gently and slipped in a second when I felt him become less tense. Jefferson held Dave as my fingers proved him and Mitzi watched. Dave moaned and his hard cock would jerk slightly as I filled him.

I dared to dip a third finger in, and he didn’t even seem to notice. My wrist cramped a bit at the awkward angle I had my hand at, pushing against his tight muscles.

Jefferson and I nodded to each other and he woke Dave out of his trance, “She’s gonna fuck you now.”

Dave nodded his head and he kissed Jefferson as I stepped into my harness. I chose my larger dildo since he took three fingers so easily.

I had Dave turn over on his knees and I got behind him, added some more lube, and pushed inside. I held still for a moment and he groaned as his body adjusted to having a cock in it. Once he was ready, I started pumping my cock in and out of him, making him moan loudly into the bed.

I fucked him with steady rhythm, holding onto his hips as I did. I picked up the pace a bit, and leaned forward to stroke his cock. He groaned as I fucked him harder and I could feel his pre-cum leaking on my hand.

He fell flat against the bed, causing me to fall out, once he couldn’t take anymore. He laid resting but soon Jefferson was between Dave’s legs with his cock in his mouth. Dave moaned and groped at me, roughly grabbing at my breasts and pussy.

Now I remember why I don’t hook up with boys my age.

Mitzi was in and out as we played, not so interested in it I guess, and I myself was quickly losing interest in our guest, since I was done fucking him.

After going down on Dave for a bit, Jefferson asked for some reciprocation and the boys switched places. Dave bent down and took Jefferson in his mouth, the whole thing, in one swoop and promptly started gagging. He backed off and tried again, with no more success.

“Ugh, I can’t do it. It makes me gag,” he complained.
“Just try it again, and take it slow,” Jefferson insisted.

Dave gingerly put his mouth back on Jefferson’s cock again, briefly.

“I can’t.”
“Ok, it’s ok. You don’t have to.”

The boys eventually started making out again and lost complete interest in me. I got up to get a drink and sit with Mitzi a bit.

“They don’t really need me right now,” I said signaling to them.
“Guess not,” she laughed.
“I’m getting a bit bored with him,” I whispered.
She laughed.

I went back into my bedroom where the boys noticed my return.

We’re going to make you cum now and send you home,” Jefferson told Dave.

Jefferson knelt down and started blowing him, gradually building in intensity as time passed. Dave wasn’t an easy cummer apparently and after awhile Jefferson was going full force. I wouldn’t have been trying that hard, lol.

Having gotten tired, Jefferson grabbed lube and started giving him a hand job as Mitzi and I let Dave fondle us.

Still nothing.

“Having a hard time cumming tonight? Should you do it yourself?” Jefferson asked him.
“I’d need to watch porn though,” he replied.
“Um, ok. Well, we gotta send you home now,” Jefferson said.

Porn? Please.

“Oh, ok.”

We all dressed and sent our guess off back home. He need to rest for his first day of college tomorrow.

“He needed porn to get off?” Jefferson scoffed.
“Guess living a porn fantasy isn’t enough,” I offered.

We shrugged our shoulders.

“Alright now, who’s hungry for dinner?”


09 October 2006

Sugasm #49

The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #50? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Fantasies to order (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
“Then another tongue enters my mouth and i completely forget how to process thought.”

Afternoon Victory (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
“I want between his thighs without any hindrance.”

Rub My Back (http://mandyseroticlife.blogspot.com)
“I stroked his long shaft with my other hand until I knew he couldn’t stand much more.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Porn Reduces Crime? (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice
The punishment book, once more (a spanking story-sort of) (http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Bathtub masturbation (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)
Beach Bums (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)
Fun with a Video Camera (http://sexysecretsxx.blogspot.com)
Seven Days (http://confessions112.blogspot.com)
Tear You Apart (http://saphirsatya.blogspot.com)
Welcome Back (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

Sex Work
Ass Time on the Webcam (http://www.seska4lovers.com)
When They Crawl Back … (http://lipstickexplosion.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Happy HNT-French Maid Spanking (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
Latex Love (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)
Pajama Party Images — Part Five (http://lestatsdragons.blogspot.com)
A Posh Suite and a Proper Paddling (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)
Properly Restrained (http://makemycopcome.blogspot.com)
Purrrrrrrrrrrrr (http://aliferestarted.blogspot.com)
A Schoolgirl and a Tawse (http://adelehaze.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
The 10 best sex positions for women (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)
Dream Sex (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)
George Michael Was My First Teen Idol (http://www.msnaughty.com/blog)
How to seduce women, Part I (http://www.teen-porn-site.com/blog)
MILFs (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)
Semen is wasted on the young (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)
Support Accurate Sex Education (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)
Thank You America For Forgiving Me For Being Sexually Interested In Men AND Women... (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

NSFW Pics
Ashley (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)
Beautiful Nude Beach Photographs (http://www.ddgirlsblog.com)
Justine Joli hot lingerie outfit
(http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews
Thong Burglar (http://www.caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog)
Toy Joy Make Me Blush Vibrating Brush (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)
WaterProof iVibe Rabbit Vibrator Review (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
The World’s First Custom-Fit Condom Line (http://www.taratainton.com)


She's Got Personality

Your Blogging Type is Logical and Principled

You like to voice your well thought out opinions on your blog.
And if someone doesn't like what you write, you really don't care!
Serious and blunt, sometimes people take your blog the wrong way.
But you're a true and loyal friend to those who truly get you.


07 October 2006

I Could Just Cry Right Now

Detroit just beat the Yankees. The Yankees have been eliminated from the playoffs!!

I'm just so heartbroken right now.

God damn it A-Rod!! I blame this entirely on you!!!

But I'm hoping we can still get a NY team in the World Series, so from now on, it's go Mets. (We all know I like switching, domme-sub, boys-girls, Yankees-Mets!) Lol.

But still! I really wanted a Subway Series. And this was the last year the Yankees had a good chance at the World Series. God, they were first in the division!! Mother Fucker!! What is this shit?!

I'm going to cry now...


Aw Crap.

I think I'm getting sick again. Can you believe that shit?? I was just sick like 2-3 weeks ago!!

How the fuck could I be sick again?! I hate being sick. I don't want to be sick again. I felt like death last time, I don't wanna feel like crap again and go through boxes of tissues and stuff.

Aw crap.


5 Years Ago

5 Years Ago

5 years ago, in 2001, two planes struck and destroyed the World Trade Center. And when most people think of the fall of 2001, this is what they’ll remember most.

But not me.

Five years ago, I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. 5 years ago, on Columbus Day of that year, I attempted suicide.

Now, let me lead up to it. The end of my summer and September was spent in therapists’ and doctors’ offices for treatment for my eating disorder. I had already been cutting since the spring and I just kept slipping further into myself.

But it wasn’t from lack of trying.

I was for the first time in my life, cooperative in therapy, and voluntarily went to a psychiatrist to be put on an anti-depressant. I signed up for Ballet and Jazz classes at a local dance studio to feel better about my body and be more active.

But my depression was still taking its toll. I was tired all the time, cranky, and cutting more frequently.

I went with my parents to my cousin’s wedding in Tennessee that Columbus Day weekend. And we had a really nice time. I ate barbeque and had really good wedding cake.

We got back, and I just decided to do it.

It was 11 o’clock and I was up past my parents, as usual. I sat in front of the computer with all the pills I collected and a big glass of apple cider and just started taking them. I still remember everything about that night. I started with a box of sleeping pills and then a box of diet pills. I followed it with a bottle of Tylenol Period relief (like Midol) and then finished with as much more regular Tylenol my stomach could hold.

I can still taste the combination of cider and pills in my mouth and I can still smell it in my nose.

Around midnight, I finished chatting with some friends online and went to go to bed and, what I thought, die.

I lied on my back and stared at the ceiling, wondering when it was going to happen. I didn’t sleep a wink even though I had taken all those sleeping pills, probably because of the diet pills. I could feel my heart pounding a mile a minute. I thought maybe my heart would just stop and that’s how it would happen.

Looking back, I know I was high as a kite, hopped up on all those pills. I kept watching the clock and hour after hour. I just kept waiting.

Around 3:30-4, I was restless just waiting in bed and went back to the computer. I saw a friend was still up and chatted with her, as if nothing was wrong. She would have been horrified had she known I was poisoned and waiting to die.

After a little while, she signed off to go to bed, and I did the same.

More time passed and I noticed the sky starting to get a little bit lighter as sunrise neared. It was 5:30, and still nothing.

But all of the sudden my stomach lurched, and I quickly turned to the garbage by my bed as my body expelled the poison from my stomach. When it seemed like the majority of the pills were out, I went to the bathroom to clean my face.

I was disappointed I had thrown up. Because I knew I wasn’t going to die then.

I went to school that day. I felt I had to since I had missed a lot from going to so many doctor appointments.

I spent the day in and out of the bathroom as my body continued to rid my body of the pills. The nurse wanted to send me home, but I insisted I stay and I wasn’t sick. I forget who it was, it might have been my dad, asking me if I was making myself throw up.

No offense, but if I were, I would make it to the toilet, and not do it in front of the bathroom. Yeah, that was embarrassing.

I told my mom the next morning. She came in to wake me up for school and I handed her the note I had written the other night.

She freaked and cried and called our family doctor. I was taken to the emergency room and had a bunch of blood work done and all. I was perfectly fine. My psychiatrist had me admitted to the psychiatric ward at the hospital where he worked.

It would be my first of many hospital visits that school year.

I wanted to believe I’ve come so far from where I was 5 years ago. And, in a way I have, of course. But it scares me that I would still reach for the pills when my depression is darkest. And I can’t help to think that if I get through this now, how can I be sure that 10 years from now, or whenever, I won’t be even more depressed and actually do it?

I guess I’ll just have to see where I am 5 years from now…


25 Peeps

Some time ago, this summer, I happened across this webpage called 25 Peeps. Bloggers submit their site along with a photo of them or a part of them to be placed on the front page in an arrangement of 25 squares, ordered by popularity. Those who aren't very popular, meaning they aren't getting clicks, get pushed off and new people move on the board.

So I submitted my blog and photo. And 23 days ago it appeared. Last night I got a message I had been knocked off. But I did last 23 days and generated 800 clicks! This placed me in the hall of fame too, #27 (out of 100).

Not too shabby if I do say myself. I might try it again, maybe with a different picture. Maybe a jucier picture. I'm really aching for some blog exposure, getting it out there and attracting new (and more) people.

But try it out with your blogs! It's cool, I swear.


06 October 2006

Drifting

After a morning of making love today, Jefferson and I laid in bed resting, his arms wrapped tight around me from behind. I heard Jefferson sleeping as I drifted into that state between sleep and wake and my thoughts wantered uncontrolled to that dark place that usually really only happens past sundown.

I became concious of where my thoughts went and my eyes snapped open and my chest ached with the familiar tension I experience when my thoughts get too bleak.

I turned and faced Jefferson, clutching him tight. I was so glad Jefferson was there at that moment, but I just still couldn't get close enough.

I tried Lexi's idea of letting the thoughts fly away after giving it a moment's chance. I guess it worked. I managed to keep my tears to small handful. Jefferson hugged me tight and kissed me sweetly until he had to get ready to get his kids.

I don't like feeling like this, but I at least I know I have people for support and I love Jefferson for being there for me and caring so much when my thoughts happen to drift.


I Love my Roommate

For so many reasons, I love my one roommate. I can tell her like anything, and it's great. She loves hearing about it too. So I showed her my bite marks from Jefferson today.

She asked me upon seeing them, "Why does he bite you?"
I replied, "Cause I like it."

She pauses for a second as she looks at me. "I don't know why I even ask."

Lol.


05 October 2006

One of the Funniest Ones Yet!!!

Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?

Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.

Best Buy
Astoria, New York


via Overheard in the Office, Oct 5, 2006


More Proof of my Lesbianess

'Cause Then You Can Get Your Tongue into the Ass

Suit #1: The smell, the feel, sometimes you just gotta stick your nose in a pussy.
Suit #2: Seriously, man.

--46th & 5th

Overheard by: Amused Suit


via Overheard in New York, Oct 5, 2006


Woohoo!!

I got the job!! I got the job!! I finally got a sales job!! No more cashiering for me, thank you very much!!!

I'm so happy, you have no idea!! I needed this job so badly. Now I'm half way there to paying for Paris.

And I have to lose like 12 pounds before I start in mid-November so I can fit into my dress pants, or else buy new ones...

But I got the job!!!


03 October 2006

Aw Sweet Moses

I am really fucking horny. Like the kind of horny that jerking off just doesn't fix.

The kind where you just need cock in pussy.

Hard and fast.

With hands twisting and pinching your nipples.

With your hands in bindings above your head that you struggle against as you cum over and over again.

Then you get turned over and fucked some more, your hands retied behind your back

And then the whips and paddles come out.

And you get beat so good you're begging for more.

You're pussy drips from the beating you need to cum more.

So fingers enter you, one at a time until you're totally filled. The hand moves gently inside you and soon you feel your pussy spasm around it. You groan loudly once it leaves you.

And, maybe, that could be enough.

Take notes, Jefferson. Copious notes.


Dane Cook

So, I discovered the joy of Dane Cook the other day and my roommate and I really want to go to his show at MSG (Madison Square Garden for those of you not from the NYC area) in November.

And we're trying to get tickets, but were broke. And even though we could splurge for $54 a ticket for the 300 level seats, there's an additional $10 "convenience charge"!!! Like, what the fuck! So, even though the Mezzanine nosebleeds are $34.50, they're way overpriced after all the fees!!

So... I put out a request for vodka, and it was granted. Anyone want to send 2 poor college girls to see Dane Cook?? Please?? With puppy dog eyes?

Leave a comment or e-mail me @ avahsascent@gmail.com


02 October 2006

Water Babies

Mitzi and I climbed out of bed, tucking Jefferson in as he slept soundly (that mean's snoring) and went about getting ready.

Mitzi fed and walked Molly as I got my swimsuit and scavenged for towels.

"Shoot, did we miss the sunrise?" I said once we got the beach around 6:30. "Though I don't think there will be one."

The sky was so grey and the air was chill. It was more like an autumn morning than a late August one.

Mitzi and I set our stuff down on the deserted beach and jumped into the ocean. We had more girl talk as we splashed in the waves for the next hour and a half. With the water being warmer than the air, it was hard to pull ourselved out, but did eventually when the current got too strong.

There were no lifeguards or even other people, we weren't stupid.

We got back to the house and found Jefferson exactly as we had left him. We took turns in the shower and after mine, I dressed in my cozy sweats as I had a chill and couldn't stop shivering and snuggled under the covers next to Jefferson. Mitzi came back to bed once she got out of the shower and the three of us slept for a few hours.

We woke around noon for breakfast. Er, lunch. Well, brunch really since we had eggs and taylor ham (a very special Jersey treat).

After we finished eating, we packed up again and the three of us headed to the beach. The only people there this time were the surfers. Jefferson and Mitzi set up their beach chairs and we went to test the water. Jefferson and I thought the water was too cold, but Mitzi was perfectly content in the waves.

Jefferson and I went back to our spot and I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and wrapped myself in towels to keep warm. We watched Mitzi, the water baby, splashing in the waves, and I listened as Jefferson read the beginning of a new book out loud.

After a little while, Mitzi came out and sat back with us.

The weather hadn't improved at all and I was so disappointed it turned out to be so yucky when they were visiting, especially considering how beautiful most of the summer was. They said they didn't care and were just happy to be down at the beach with me.

I kept my eye on the time because we'd have to leave soon to get ready before our guest from Philly, Dave, would be arriving. When it was time, we packed our stuff up and stopped to get some things for dinner.

The liquor store was first. We need some more bourbon. Lol.

"Can we go inside in our bathing suits?" Mitzi asked.
"Of course, it's a beach town. It's totally normal," I assured her.

We went in and Mitzi walked around and picked out some red wine for dinner and Jefferson just got a pint of bourbon.

I know.

We stopped at WaWa next to just pick up some milk and a loaf of bread.

"These are really good milkshakes," I said pointing to a case with plactic cups. "You take one of these cups, pull the lid and put it in the machine and it sucks it up, adds milk and mixes it to the consistancy you want. The chocolate is really yummy."
"Ooh, that sounds so awesome! I'll have to have one before I go back home," Mitzi said.

We headed back to the house and cleaned up and waited for our guest to arrive.

We were expecting him at 5, and got a little worried when 5 came and he hadn't come or called. But the phone rang and it was him, he was just a few minutes away.

Soon we heard a car outside and we saw him pull up in his Jeep.

"He's here, you guys," I announced.