28 February 2007

Ahhhhh Amazing!!

OMG my date was incredible! It was so amazing! And so awesome!

Now, I need a name for him....umm....I think I like Kyle.

First of all- he's incredibly handsome. He's got this red hair, and a cute gotee. And a really nice smile. And he's not tall, which I love. Lol.

And he's so funny. We were together for like 6 hours and just laughed and laughed and laughed.

It was just so amazing.

We met first at a cafe and talked for like 2 1/2 hours over dessert and tea, and he brought me a book too- girl with a pearl earring. then we went to a bookstore across the street and he told me if i saw anything i liked he'd get it for me!

I found this really nice Manet book, so he got it for me.

And then we were in the cooking section talking and he kissed me first there and it was nice, not too long, but long enough, and nothing too deep, but a tiny bit of tongue, just enough....
and then we got talking about food and decided we were hungry so went to find dinner. We found this nice italian restraunt (a nice one too, like $20 a plate) and ate and talked more
then he walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye- but i didn't really wanna say good night!

It was so amazing. I'm glad we waited to have sex though. OMG I really want to, he really turns me on, but this waiting this is gonna be fun too, lol. Like, I really can't wait to see him again. I have to wait a whole week.

Oh man, oh man, oh man!

I can't stop smiling! I'm really like almost so happy I want to cry. For real.

Oh God he was such a good kisser. And he didn't go for a feelsky, so he's respectful too, lol.

And we talked about everything- art, traveling, family, religion, growing up, funny stories....everything. It was so amazing.

Oh wow. I could just keep going on and on.

I'm gushing! Lol. Noelle says I'm glowing. Lol.

Wow, I think this is gonna be really awesome.


Ugh- My Stomach

I have my date in a little while.

I think I'm going to hurl.

This dating stuff is not fun.

What if I don't like him? What if he doesn't.....well, of course he'll like me.

What if I do like him? What would that mean? Where would that lead?

Oh god. What are we gonna talk about??!

What if I sleep with him?

What if he wants to sleep with me and I don't want to?

Ugh, I'm gonna cry. Like seriously. I'm going to cry as I hurl.

Dating sucks!


26 February 2007

I Have A Date!

First of all, yes that post means what you think it means. Jefferson and I got back together.

Second of all, he's sucking right now.

Third of all, I have a date on Wednesday with someone who actually seems to give a flying fuck about me.

He's a poet. And totally smitten with me. And joyfully kinky.

He's everything I wish Jefferson was, basically.

He calls me sweetheart and honey. And tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. He appologized if it seemed he was coming on strong.

I said it was nice to be persued for once.

Jefferson hasn't made me feel important...or wanted...since May.

But I'm very excited for my date. We're going to meet for coffee first, then take a stroll to the local BDSM store and maybe play a little afterwards.

And then I'll dust myself off, bury my anger and put on a smile for the concert Jefferson and I are going to this weekend. Because that's what I do.

Because I'm a masochist.

Alright people- comment away. I know you want to....


Penance

"Turn over," Jefferson ordered me. "I'm going to beat you now."

I turned onto my stomach and watched as he took all the necessary equipment out of the closet.

He started immediately with the cat, whipping me lightly to warm my skin up.

As my flesh pinked, his strokes got harder. I cringed as I heard the whoosh of the cat in the air.

And I know he specifically does that to psych me out.

I moaned and squirmed as the cat hit my ass and back. My bottom lip curled as I contemplated why I was getting a beating that day.

Jefferson dropped the cat, taking the cane in its place. He tapped it lightly on my ass, making me whimper as I got accustomed to the sting.

He snapped it harder on my skin. I yelped and twisted under the pain. I grabbed a pillow, hugging it, trying to stay more still. My body was coated in a fine sheen of sweat in response to the bite of the cane working its way over my ass and the backs of my legs.

The end of the tapped on my shoulders a few times. A handful more strikes on my ass, and Jefferson grabbed the cat again, hitting hard on my sensitve skin.

I moaned softly as I was deep into subspace at this point.

He stopped, and climbed on top of me, covering me with his body. I wrapped my arms around his, lacing our fingers together.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," I said, on the verge of tears.
"It's all better now," he promised me.


Boo

I think I'm getting sick. Or that I am sick.

I slept until 3 today! It's unbelievably rare for me to sleep past 11 anymore. And 3?? That's just unheard of for me.

But my throat hurts a little. And now I have a headache. And I just feel tired.

God, I hope this doesn't last or get worse!

I have a date Wednesday! And then I'm seeing Scissor Sisters on Saturday! So I have to be well for those things!

Boo....I don't wanna be sick.


25 February 2007

Quote

"Never regret something that once made you smile."


23 February 2007

Dreams

Dreams are strange.

Well, mine are at least. And I have been having a lot of dreams lately. I really should remember to write them down all the time. Because I forget them. Duh.

Even last night's dream is really only bits and pieces and more memories of how I felt rather than what happened.

But I dreamt I was getting married. And it was a spur of the moment thing that my sisters planned for me. My half sisters on my dad's side. And therefore my mom and step-dad and those sides of the family weren't invited.

And although it wasn't clearly spelled out, it did appear I was marrying Jefferson. But a Jefferson in his 20's.

And I remember stalling because I wanted my family to be there and my sisters kept pushing me to get the ceremony started. I felt like I was waiting for something else too, like waiting for Jefferson to arrive.

I remember standing in a small back room in a wedding gown, and it was really crowded and bustling outside.

I'll have to analyze this because I'm not really sure what it means at this point.

I haven't really been giving my sisters much thought these days, so I'm not too sure why they popped up last night.

So I dunno, but at least it's written down now so I won't forget any more of what happened.


Beautiful

Evangeline braced herself against Mark as Jefferson knelt by her feet, his fingers deep in her pussy. Her head leaned on his shoulder, her mouth parted as she moaned her pleasures. I watched her chest heave- pressing against the confines of herburgundy red corset.

Mark's head tilted back, biting his bottom lip, as Jefferson knelt at his feet, his cock deep in his mouth. Mark wrapped his arm around Evangeline, his other hand resting lightly on Jefferson's shoulder. Tyler came and embraced Mark from behind, rubbing his tight chest and stomach.

Jefferson worked his fingers in Evangeline's pussy as his free arm wrapped around Mark's legs. He sucked Mark's cock with abandon, slurping and moaning as his head bobbed up and down.

I admired the beautiful scene next to me, but hands caressing my body brought my attentions back to the people around me.


22 February 2007

Turns Out I Can Draw


A sketch I did in preparation for my painting


Mmmm....

Guess what I had for dinner last night....

Barbeque Chicken Pizza.

And it was like 1,000 orgasms in my mouth.

Uhhhh.... Lol.

It was good.


HNT #17- Rope Marks


21 February 2007

Scream

Jefferson slicked his hand with lube and knelt between my legs.

He pushed two fingers deep in my pussy, manipulating my g-spot just the way I love it.

I moaned and growled loudly, jerking as I came over and over.

My body was coated in a slick sheen of sweat as Jefferson worked another finger in.

I lost control as wave after wave ripped through my body.

White knuckled, I groaned as he worked a forth finger in.

I whinged as my body got closer and closer to the edge.

My hips jerked up and I screamed as a powerful orgasm struck me.

Jefferson quickly covered my mouth with his hand.

"Shhh...there are sleeping children on the other side of the wall."

I continued to scream into his hand until the orgasm let go of control of my body.


20 February 2007

Yellow

"Red is a word you can use, as is yellow" he whispered in my ear as his hand firmly slapped my pussy and inner thighs.

My legs fought intensely against my bindings to close as I suffered under his heavy hand.

Soft fingers tweaked and pinched my nipples, occasionally diverting attention from my pussy.

He fed me his cock as he murmured words of what a good slut I was.

Ropes were undone and I was flipped onto my knees where I was tied down again.

He stood behind me, slapping my ass and grabbing my legs making me grunt and moan.

I cried out loudly as he caught a sensitive spot.

"Is that a yellow?"

I'm not one to voluntarily use a safe word, but since he offered...

His fingers probed my pussy and I moaned into the mattress.

"I think I'm going to fuck this slut now. Do you want to get fucked?"
"Yes."
"Say it."
"I want to get fucked."
"Do you want to get fucked hard?"
"Yes."
"Beg me."
"Please fuck me hard."
"That's a good slut."

He grabbed my hair hard and thrust into me, pounding me until I came again and again.


Distraction

So, I'm sitting in class right now, half paying attention.

I'm trying to write another sex party vingette, but I keep getting lost in the memory of the night.

And how fucking hot it was.

And I'm getting all turned on in the middle of my art history class.

Yeah.

Hmm...I wonder what Gia's doing tonight ;-) Lol

Ok- back to writing.

Er, class...


More Sexy Back

(Click to make it larger)

You know, I really do think I'm the only one left in the world that still LOVES "Sexy Back"

I still blast it on the radio, dance and sing along when I hear it...

And I'm not ashamed.

It's a freaking awesome song!

And, clearly, such great material for comedy now!



Revisiting Mimi

A couple sex parties passed since I'd last seen Mimi and much to my chagrin, I ended up having to face her again.

But being oh so skilled at passive-aggressiveness, it was my resolve to simply ignore her; pretend she wasn't there.

Except, as I found out, it wasn't quite as necessary. She was less...juvenile and far less obnoxious.

The morning after the party we even...*Gasp* talked! And had things in common.

I fully believe if you put any two college-age people in a small kitchen together, they're bound to find something to talk about.

Even an Emo girl and, well, me (totally not Emo).

I still had some reservations, but as I put it to Jefferson that afternoon, "She didn't suck this time."

Well, wouldn't you know at the next party we're even poking fun of Jefferson together. And I'm sure he probably preferred when we didn't acknowledge each other, lol.

And as it turns out, we both really, really love our dogs. And I just can't hate anyone who loves dogs!

"Well, Mimi sucks less and less each time," I said, smirking, to Jefferson as we waited for the elevator.

He laughed. "I'm glad to hear that."

See, even I don't suck so much!


I Can't Make This Stuff Up!!

"Great, it's 1AM. I wanted to be asleep an hour ago!" Noelle says as we're getting ready to sleep last night.
"And who's fault is that?"
"Yours..."
"Hey, I didn't come up until 12:30!"
"And now it's 1:10."
"And then I took a shower, you could have gone to sleep at any point."
"Shhh...stop talking you're prolongating my sleep."

I pause, replaying the last sentence in my head...prolong...what?

"What did you just say??"
"Crap, I was hoping you wouldn't notice!"
"Did you just say prolongating??"
"Maybe."
"Wow, you're seriously dyslexic, Noelle."

God we laughed so hard there were tears. Many, many tears.

I'm so glad we're roommates now.

That and smothering her face with my boobies this morning. Ahhh.... :-D


Heat Wave!!

High of 48 degrees today???

I'm gonna melt!! Thank god!


Ha!

When BDSM Enthusiasts Try to Hold Down Jobs

Woman getting into cab: I need to go to Wall Street.
Cabbie: Can you give me directions?

--27th & Broadway


via Overheard in New York, Feb 20, 2007


19 February 2007

Epitome of Grace

So this morning I wake up for classes and I'm sitting at my computer checking my e-mail and reading some blogs when it hits me like a ton of bricks- OMG I parked my car in the meter spots over the weekend, and now it's Monday morning and I could get a ticket!

The asshole ticket guy is usually out there at about 9am, so I could already have a red envelope under my windshield wiper.

Praying I'm not too late, I dress quickly and run out the door.

I'm running down some stairs outside when I go to step on the pavement. I notice it's darker, but ice doesn't register in my head until I'm sliding a good 12 inches on one foot. In front of a dozen+ people waiting for the shuttle.

Luckily I don't fall flat on my ass.

My foot catches the pavement and I curse, "Jesus. Fuck!"

A girl asks me as I pass her if I'm Ok. I'm fine, of course. Humiliated and shaken up. But no bruised ass.

I'm even better when I see I don't have a ticket on my car.


Trust

My legs were tied tightly, splayed open as fingers plunged into me.

My tied hands gripped the wood as I came again and again.

Her hand was covering my mouth, drowning my moans, when she pinched my nose.

My lungs emptied as I continued moaning and grunting.

My body instinctively went to inhale, only to suck against her palm.

I felt my chest tighten, panicking at the lack of air.

5 seconds felt like an eternity until she released her hand from my mouth.

I gasped for air, catching a few breaths, until she repeated the test.

I gasped again upon release and returned to concentrating on the fingers fucking my pussy.


18 February 2007

Every Girl Needs This!

So I must be ovulating because I'm crazy horny today.

I got off 3 times in a row earlier and I still might go back for more.

An extremely rare occurance for me.

What's my toy of choice?

Hitachi Magic Wand. Something everyone should have.

And I figured I'd take the opportunity to share that it's cheapest at Amazon. Yes, that's right.




You can thank me for the tip by buying it through that link thus kicking a few cents my way.

We also gotta discuss the Rock Chick, courtesy of Vibrator.com, but that's for another post...


17 February 2007

Liar

I didn't care what you did for a living.

I didn't care where you were from.

I didn't care what your religion was.

I didn't care what you did or didn't do Friday night.

I did care that you were never honest with me.

I did care you made me fall in love with someone who wasn't real.


I can still recall the way my heart would flutter as I'd look into your eyes.

"Doofus, my love. I love you." [Obviously I didn't call him Doofus, but that's his blog name]
"Baby. Avahqinha, te quiero. Te amo."

I still miss our Friday nights at the movies.
And how much you loved my lasagna.

What I wouldn't give to sleep snuggly next to you, night after night.
What I wouldn't have given for you to just tell me the truth.

I was so in love.
A part of me still is.


Be by my side, care for me, make love to me.
But DO NOT lie to me.

Someone.
Anyone.


Hehe Talking Lions!


OMG Please Kill Me NOW!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh!!! OMG my vagina itches so much I want to die!!

God damn, mother fucking yeast infections.

The medicine needs to seriously work faster before I break down ito tears. Or rub myself raw.

#$*#)@$^%*!!!!!!!

(Welcome to a girl's blog- where we sometimes bitch about the betrayal of our vaginas)


15 February 2007

14 February 2007

I Really Need Some Sleep

If You Could Only See, Tonic

(Switched from "she" to "he")

If you could only see the way he loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Sayin you love but you dont
You give your love but you wont

If you could only see the way he loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Seems the road less traveled
Shows happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
Thats what you gotta do

Sayin you love but you dont
You give your love but you wont
You're stretching out your arms to something thats just not there
Sayin you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way he loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Sayin you love but you dont
You give your love but you wont
Sayin you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way he loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me


Bondage

My arms and legs strain against the restraints.

I scream, whimper, and pant.

Wanting as much as possible until I can't take anymore.

I'm freed and I curl up in a ball,

Sad to leave the bondage I asked for.


Happy Valentine's Day

I'm still waiting for the day when my mom isn't my only valentine, but here's a sweet poem I found on a card when I was helping Noelle pick a card for her boyfriend (too bad I can't show the beautiful drawings that went along with it):

She squeezed his hand and entered his mood
He bit her lip
And changed her song
They walked side by side filling in the lonely places
He held so tight that his soul swam inside
She kissed eyes open
Making sure he wouldn't fall away
They locked limbs like a puzzle
Solved


13 February 2007

Woohoo!!!

100,000 visits!!

Thanks guys!


12 February 2007

Pizza

So I discoved the wonderful world of Barbeque Chicken Pizza with Gia the other night and now I'm craving it hard core.

The place is still open and I'd really, really kill for some, but I can't bring myself to spend $11 for the pie (and it's not even a regular sized pie) when I'm so poor.

But seriously, this is like the nectar of the gods.

Grr...I need a job!! (Shut up mom!)


11 February 2007

Mouth Watering

I got a glimpse of Gia's boobies.

It was like I saw Heaven.

They were so gorgeous. I would have given my left and right arm to suck on them all day.

Holy fuck.

Gia really makes me wet in the panties. Like hard core.

I've never been as attracted to a girl before as I am to Gia. This is more than just digging her and finding her sexy. This is full on lust. With the impurest of impure thoughts.

I had a flash of an image of my head between her legs and I swear I lost my breath for a hot second.

Ugh.

It's agonizing waiting to get her naked.


Eh, I got nothing, just thought this was hysterical

And Feet

Hobo falls asleep on hipster girl and breathes in her face -- she gags.

Hipster friend: What's wrong?
Hipster girl: I just saw hell, and it smells like Taco Bell.

--4 train

Overheard by: I could smell it too


via Overheard in New York, Feb 10, 2007


Smart Dude


09 February 2007

Stuck

I gotta say- I'm not sure why I'm so not into writing anything these days.

Like anything at all.

I've been wanting to introduce this new couple- James and Ellie from back at December's orgy. I saw this man take one of the biggest dildos I've ever seen up his ass, as well as be fisted by his girlfriend. It was insane. And insanely hot! Then later that night, James gave Ellie an incredibly hot ass fucking. That Jefferson slept through. As he passed out. On me.

Thankfully Callie was able to help roll him off me.

Then a few days later I went and hung out with Emma and checked out a little burlesque show, getting me instantly hooked. I fully intend to get to more shows (and Gia totally wants to go with me!).

That's just one of my hot stories I'm wanting to write about- but can't seem to.

And I'd keep going, but then I'd have nothing to write about for awhile.

So, we'll see how things turn around.

You'll still visit me even if I'm not writing much about sex, right?


New Template


Comment away!



Ahem

Excuse me...

*Taps Microphone*

Is this thing on?

Oh, ok. Good.

In 2 months (exactly, from yesterday) I will be celebrating my 21st birthday. (That's April 8, for clarification)

*Cue Excitement*

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Just throwing it out there.


08 February 2007

07 February 2007

The Details

So last night I'm texting with Gia, trying to make plans for the night when she asks me if I want to go to a gay club. Of course I was game.

We drove down to Sayreville and met up with a friend of hers to watch a drag show.

It was awesome. I saw girls doing flips and cartwheels in stiletto heels! Un-freaking-believable!

Now I really want to go out dancing. I'll have to see if we can do that soon. She's a really good dancer too. She tried to get me to dance with her, but I wouldn't cause no one else was dancing.

I know, I know. I can fuck a guy with an audience, but I can't dance with an audience. Even Gia was amazed by that, lol.

Plus, if I danced with her, I might have had to fuck her right there on the floor, and well, it wasn't that kind of club, lol.

So after we headed home and I was dropping her off at her house we were sitting in my car saying goodnight. I was totally prepared to kiss her this time. I took off my seat-belt and was facing towards her. We were leaned in close, as I was showing her the pics I took on my phone that night, and we looked at each other- knowing we both wanted to kiss, since our faces were that close together. But it was a minuted later, and I was mid sentence when we both just leaned in. Oh man it was so awesome. It was a nice, good kiss. I still day dream about it.

I really just can't wait until we finally fuck. It's going to be really freaking awesome.

And it's all gonna happen without Jefferson there, lol.


Dogs Rule


We Kissed!!

Ahhh!! Gia and I kissed!!! We finally did it!!! I'm so excited!!!

More tomorrow....


05 February 2007

Picture!!


Rationing

I know it's been awhile since my last story. Almost a month now. I really haven't had any inspiration to write.

And I suppose now I have to ration them out since it could be awhile before I have sex again.

Oh dear God.

But I do have lots of stories to tell from December and January. And with that in mind, and stories with Jefferson are obviously from then. I'm just going to roll my eyes if I get any comments with "but I thought you broke up..."

But I have begun one story from December's Orgy where a new couple, Jason and Ellie debut. It's an awesome tale I know you're gonna love. So stay tuned, and I'll try to get that up as soon as I can.


I Actually Can't Think of Any Catchy Title

I was reading some entries from my diary and found this statement:

(In the context of talking about my developing jealousy with Jefferson)

But I'm afraid it's just going to get worse. I overheard Jefferson on the phone with Mitzi the other day, and she was saying she was jealous and it was apparently a conversation they've had a lot. I don't want that to be me in a year. Or however long. I want to always be happy that I have and love Jefferson and that he loves me. I don't want the pain to come. Love shouldn't have to hurt.

I wish I could go back to feeling like that: happy with the relationship.

Maybe it's just one of the stages of break-ups, but I'm really regretful about it now. I'm miserable. I just want it to not be true. All I can remember is how happy I was with Jefferson. I'm really just sick to my stomach with regret.

Except I know I don't know how to deal with everyone else anymore.

This is taking a really God-damned long time to get better!


Brrrrr

OMG it's sooooo freaking cold outside!!!

It's been over a week since I've been to the gym, so I know I have to go. But it's just so damn cold !!!

Plus I need to go to Cingular too to fix my plan and ask some questions about my ultra cool new phone.

**Oh, and also- I'm majorly horny. And not the kind of horny that playing with myself can fix. I'm kinky horny- and that's bad. Very, very bad. Why? Because I have no one to tie me up and beat me anymore. Or fuck me. And that makes me so, so incredibly sad. :-( **


04 February 2007

I'm So Cool it Hurts!

No, really- it hurts!! I got my nose pierced yesterday!

So I've been e-mailing back and forth with Gia this week (the one I have a crush on) and we were talking about how we should hang out again since it's been a month, and I told her also that I wanted to get my nose pierced at some point and if she would hold my hand. So yesterday I was at home, after being snowed in, and she e-mailed me asking if I wanted to have lunch with her since she had the day off. It was already after lunch by the time I got back to school, but I called her and she said she was just hanging out with her friend Dave, whom she hadn't seen in a year, and for me to come hang out with them.

As soon as I got to her place she was like, So you wanna get it piereced now?

How could I say no?

We sat in Dave's car for a little while just chillin' (lol) as he showed off his music and lights and stuff that he did, and he was hitting on my hard core as well.

We eventually made our way over to a local tattoo/piercing studio. I was nervous as we waited. I didn't want it to hurt, lol. And I was annoyed Dave was still hitting on me! I wasn't at all returning the sentiment, so you'd think he'd pick up on that...but noooo....

Well I picked out my ring (a cute purple one) and the guy took us back to the room. Gia came with to hold my hand, and Dave came too to watch. I held Gia's hand even as the guy was just cleaning my nose and marking the spot. I tensed as he brought the needle and receiving tube up to my nose. He told me to relax my face and not move.

OMG it hurt so fucking bad when he was doing it!! And I flinched so he had to pause and wait for me to relax before he could finish, which was even worse!! Oh man it hurt so freaking bad though. Though it's funny cause I'm just calmly swearing as he's doing it.

So then after Gia's asking the guy about possibly getting her belly button repierced, and as she's doing that, Dave's right on my ass and finally manages to ask me out. Sure I'm flattered and all. But I'm not really into him. Nor am I at all ready to date! I still get all teary about Jefferson and I'm at that stage where I have to fight myself to crawl to to him and beg him to take me back! God am I so regretful at this point. Not such a good frame of mind for dating.

That's not to say I don't still have the hots for Gia! Lol. OMG she's so delish I wanna just kiss her all over!

We're totally gonna do it. We were all touchy feely all yesterday and last night, and then I spent the night again because I locked my keys in the apartment, and so we were all cuddly all night. She told me she really wanted to kiss me last time, and that she's trying really hard to stay just friends, but that if something happens, she can't really help it.

I was gonna kiss her, I really was. And I'm not sure why I didn't exactly. That first kiss is a little nerve racking I guess. But, I suppose this way, the tension builds a little more.

I'm hoping we're gonna hang out Tuesday night, so maybe I'll work up the courage then.

So yeah, and my nose still freaking hurts. OMG. I keep accidentally touching it too! Ugh! Hopefully the soreness will go away soon!

Now I'm all really, really cool with my tattoos and piercings! I love it!


02 February 2007

Trudging Along

I'm basically just waiting for the sting to go away.

Yesterday's post was extremely hard to write and finish. I had to keep stopping because I kept crying.

Last night I was getting into my shower and noticed a bite mark from Tuesday night and, of course, broke down again.

And I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Next week's going to be hard not seeing him, and not because we're busy.

And then the week after when the orgy comes and I think of all the fun I'm missing and who takes my place next to him at the end of the night.

Ugh, see there I go again with the tears. I didn't know one person could cry this much.


01 February 2007

All Good Things Must Come to an End

"Love is unconditional, relationships are not."
-Grant Gudmundson


10 months ago Jefferson and I met for the first time for an afternoon of very hot sex. I never expected us to last this long. And I certainly never expected to fall so in love.

God this is really hard to write...

I went through the day, Tuesday, numb, anxious, and nauseous. I sat in my last class, my science class, listening to my teacher drone on about our lab, checking my watch every five minutes, counting down the minutes until I had to catch my bus into the city.

The lab was short and sweet and I finished an hour earlier than I anticipated, so I was able to catch an earlier bus.

My roommate, Noelle had just put some Dane Cook on my iPod so I listened to him on the bus, trying to not to laugh out loud like an insane person, to keep my nerves calm as best I could.

I emerged from the subway and walked the few blocks to Jefferson's with the pit in my stomach growing heavier.

I stood across the street from his building, frozen with dread.

It'll be OK, whatever happens, I told myself. I took a deep breath and crossed the street when the light changed.

Since I was early, I sat for a few minutes in the lobby. I felt a lump in the back of my throat form as I watched him walk in with grocery bags in his hands.

"You're early!" he said smiling.

Oh God.

He sure is handsome when he smiles.

Just enjoy tonight, worry about it tomorrow, I told myself.

We caught up on recent events in our lives as Jefferson fried some chicken for dinner.

We moved the bedroom once we were finished and Jefferson started lighting some candles.

"I know it's just us, but it's romantic," he said.

The clothes came off and we held each other close, kissing deeply. I wanted it to never end. I wanted to feel his skin on mine forever. And look into his eyes for an eternity. His eyes that always seem to be smiling.

Oh God the sex was good. It was so freaking good. And we came together, a first I believe and Jefferson collapsed for a bit on me in my arms. I held him, smiling as he snored, lost in my thoughts and memories.

He stirred and moved up the bed, bringing me tight into his arms as I felt my own eye lids grow heavy.

Jefferson got up, covering the bed with a blanket and blew the candles out. He pulled me close into him again as we settled in to sleep.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, kissing my neck.

My heart sank.

"Me too."

My eyes opened slowly the next morning as light poured in through the window. I squinted at the clock, seeing it was only a little after 8.

I wished the morning had never come.

I turned towards Jefferson, wrapping my arms around him, trying to sleep a little more, wanting to get my last fill of being as close as possible.

"Good morning," he said as we woke up together.
"Morning," I replied as I leaned in to kiss him.

I held his face in my hands as I leaned my body in as close as possible.

He climbed on top of me, pushing my legs back, and looking down at me as he rolled a condom on.

I sighed and moaned as he pushed into me.

I came over and over again as we made love one last time. I pulled him close to me as he slowed down, hugging him tight as tears fell down my cheeks.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"And I love you," he replied, kissing me sweetly.

After a few minutes he moved to my side, keeping me close to him.

We got up for some lunch and I ate nervously as I counted down the last few minutes of being together.

Jefferson and I climbed back into bed once we'd finished eating. He wrapped himself in me, his head resting on my chest, his arms wrapped around me, and our legs twisted together. My heart pounded so fast and so loud as I contemplated the right words to say.

I was convinced he could hear my pounding heart.

Just say it, just do it already.

"Jefferson?" I squeaked, trying to find my voice.
"Yes?"
"We have to talk about something," I whispered, losing it.
"What's up?"
"You love me, right?"
"Yes, of course."
"Do you love me enough to let me go?"
"Where would you go?" he asked, pausing. "Do you not want us to see each other anymore?"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"It hurts too much," I said, my voice cracking.
"What hurts?"
"I'm just not built for this kind of relationship." The tears were burning at the back of my eyes.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Well, I want to be with you, but not if you're unhappy."

I hugged him tighter, the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

We held each other quietly for the next hour with my sniffles being the only sound in the room.

This probably goes on the record for being one of the better break-ups in history.

Jefferson was so sweet and comforting, it made me even sadder to go. He kissed me and held me tight as I continued crying.

"You know I still want to be friends, right?" I assured him between sniffles.
"No."
"Yes!"
"Good. I can't lose you completely."

I hugged him tight, knowing it was time to go.

He got up to wash up and I started to dress, fighting back more tears, and blowing my nose.

Jefferson got my coat from the closet and helped me into it. I bit my lip as we left, not wanting to keep crying.

As we made our way up the street to the subway, Jefferson held his elbow out for me to hold. I linked my arm in his and walked silently beside him.

He pulled me into an embrace as we reached the subway entrance, kissing my cheeks and forehead. I moved my mouth to his and kissed him deep.

"I love you," he said to me.
"I love you too," I said, choking back more tears.
"We'll find something that works."
I nodded into his shoulder as I hugged him tight one last time.


I Love You

Update coming shortly...