30 October 2006

I hate blogging (Rant warning)

Aside from the fact that I get a pitiful amount of comments on my writing, even when I ask for them, I've come to hate blogging.

I hate that I'm in this circle of bloggers who write about Jefferson.

And I get ill when I stumble on a new blog (or even blogs I know) and read something along the lines of "...and Jefferson undressed me and had me lay on the bed..."

I'm one of those people that doesn't like to know who my lovers do outside our time together. Jefferson and I have a great don't ask, don't tell policy. I don't ask, and he never tells.

But then there are the blogs.

Things get written about. So I invariably end up finding out.

I even thought about whether I should stop writing about Jefferson to spare other people's feelings that I know feel the same way.

And you know, I like being a sex blogger. But I want to have a name for myself separate from being one of Jefferson's lovers. I dunno, but I think I write pretty well, and I know I put a lot of work into this blog, and I think that has merit. But perhaps being one of Jefferson's lovers masks that.

And, of course if I stop writing about Jefferson, I won't really have any more sex to write about because I'm having the worst luck making plans with other people right now.

Jealousy really does suck. I don't like being jealous! I don't! It's awful! I get that pit in my stomach and it makes me nauseous, and then there are times I even cry. And it's over these things that never used to bother me. And the worst part is I find myself getting mad at Jefferson. I try hard to keep it to myself as much as I can. Because I shouldn't be mad at him, and I know that. And I don't want to be mad! It's stupid and wasteful of my energy.

It's because I'm so insecure. I don't feel like I fit in with most of his friends. I'm constantly paranoid he doesn't actually love me, or maybe just not as much as someone else, and then he does absolutely nothing to reassure me, which feeds my paranoia. And even though I could come up with a hundred reasons to prove that he does love me and care about me, it just doesn't matter. Because the 5 reasons I have to prove he doesn't seem to outweigh the others.

But yeah, I really hate blogging right now.

And it's so strange. When I was just reading all these blogs earlier this year, I thought everything was so cool. It wasn't that I just liked Jefferson, but I liked how all of his lovers seemed to get along and I thought that was cool. And now here I am and feel like a total outcast most of the time.

Viviane doesn't have me on her blogroll, even though she lists pretty much every sex blog in existance, and she won't friend me on MySpace (and no Jefferson, I don't think it's an oversight).

Madeline doesn't acknowlege my existance either, but I'm less put off by that.

Sometimes I even feel ignored by Jefferson. And maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Hardly anyone leaves me comments, even him. But then I see his comments scattered on other peoples' blogs, and I'm kinda like, what the fuck?

And here I got all upset and couldn't even finish my cereal. Well, good. I need to be better with my diet, I've only lost 2 pounds.

So, that's my rant. I'm sure I could keep writing, but I have to get dressed and go babysit the brat.

****Note: Please read the comments for more discussion!****


12 comments:

El Cuervo said...

I've been thinking for the longest time how the whole Jefferson dynamic works. This might sound weird, but I read a lot of blogs that are related to him, but I rarely read his blog. Nothing against him, I mean, he is a fascinating guy and there are a lot of blogs that can testify that. For some reason though, I find more interesting the female point of view regarding the relationship than his. The whole polyamory structure can be very complex and not everybody can handle such a demanding relationship. I feel (and I'm talking here with very few experiences) that sometimes there's a sense of freedom that is not real. You are free to fuck whoever you want, but at the same time you give that freedom to the other person. Most of us who grew up under sosme kind of religious enviroment that idea of freedom is extremely revolucionary. We were told that we are only able to love one person at a time, and that idea is very, VERY difficult to forget.

I guesss that is part of the feelings that you have right now. I don't want to sound like I'm giving you any advices, but don't put any hopes on a long lasting relationship with Jefferson. Have fun with him, enjoy all that you guys have but do not close your mind to just him. I read the blog of somebody that got the best from him in a very bad time for her, then she met somebody and moved on. I guess I'm going to receive tons of hate email from Jefferson's fans for saying this, but I don't think that he should be seen as your ultimate relationship.
Clearly he helped a lot of people to develop their sexuality, he helped to rebuilt the self steam of more people, and I think that should be the way people should see him. He should be part of your life, but he cannot be your life. Enjoy what you have with him (which seems to be great and makes you happy) but don't expect more than what he can offer you.

Now that I got in trouble with more that half of the sex bloggers in NYC I'll go back to work.
el.cuervo76@gmail.com

Avah said...

I think you have an extremely valid point there, and hopefully you won't get any hate mail.

There's also the fact that people don't always want the freedom their given. So what if I'm allowed to fuck any one I want to? Doesn't mean I want to. I am very happy with Jefferson and just out of instinct, it isn't in me to seek out 1,000 new lovers.

I have enough.

But I lately have been seeking out my old hook-ups to stay busy and not feel so alone when I know Jefferson's busy. And I guess with him, sometimes I wonder when it'll be enough. How many lovers does he need to have to be satisfied? And I make a distinction between like orgies and CL adventures. I mean like full-time, regular lovers. People he loves and who love him. I think it's great he has the capacity to love so many people th way he does. And the energy! I couldn't do it. I get drained too easily. And I'll admit, I don't know him that well, and I won't claim to. I know about as much as the next blog reader. So that leaves me to speculate. Is he insecure? Is he scarred from his divorce? Is that why he needs so many people to love him? Maybe he doesn't even realize these things. I just don't know.

And I don't have any expectiations for a long term relationship. I know it's just for now, and he and I have talked about that. But the more in love I am with Jefferson, the harder time I have when we're apart.

glengarryleads said...

Avah, this is no hit against Jefferson. Just free-form thought here.

I must admit, when I first started reading his blog (and yours and the others...even though I think I read yours first)...It occured to me: I wondered if a guy has ever gotten laid often just by creating the illusion of ...being laid often.

I noticed that at least 1-2 of his partners became sexually involved with him simply by being fascinated (from afar) by the sexual circle he is involved with.

Not that I EVEN think that Jefferson is doing this, but If a guy handles it right, and creates enough "fake" blogs of paramours to support his story, he could possibly gather enough "fans" to take off with his own "every man's fantasy" in one fell swoop.

But the more likely reason we don't see much more of Jefferson's writing is because he's busy pumping out gallons of semen every week. I think he does better on his worst "real" week than I ever did in my best "home in the bathroom" week in high school with a bottle of Nivea ;-)

Avah said...

Lol, that's funny. And I think I've heard that theory before... it makes sense though.

If you talk about or write about having good sex (whether it's real or not), then other people will want some of that good sex.

alexd said...

If the writing wasn't worth the visit, nobody would come back to yoour blog. It was the writing that caught my attention in the first place.

ButterflyTemptress said...

Avah,

I don't know what to say. I read your blog more than I read his. I can identify with you more than with him I suppose. So when I say this, I mean no harm or anything negative towards Jefferson.

It is what it is between the two of you. In your heart you feel very strongly about him and in your head you feel the same but you know the reasons why you shouldn't. I've not been with Jefferson, nor do I have any inclination to be, but I've had a Jefferson type in my life. I eventually came to realize that no matter how strongly I felt about him, things weren't going to change.

I don't know him and I don't know you, but I do know that you're in a difficult situation. I wish you peace and strength. Not the strength to continue on with this the way it is but the strength to be the woman you want to be, sans Jefferson and the peace to be genuinely ok with it.

Please don't think I'm giving advice. God knows I am in no position to do that. I simply wish the best for you in every arena.

Renee said...

Avah,

I don't mean to lecture here but I would have to agree with el cuervo. To define your relationship with Jefferson as the ultimate would be wrong.
I adore reading about his adventures, he seems like a great guy and I'm sure he is.
But I think he's only able to love you the best he knows how.
I'm sure he does love you but not in the way we all dream about.
You are young, beautiful, and the world rests at your feet.
Enjoy your time with him but not to the point to where it compromises your self-worth.
If it's not what you want? Much as it will hurt, get out.
It will be hard. Your heart will hurt. But I can promise you that when you meet the love of your life, you'll be grateful that you loved yourself enough to never settle.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Jefferson. So take it with a barrel of salt when I say he's an asshole.
All these fabulous women, writing great and heartfelt stuff...and this guy who writes the equivalent of a penthouse forum letter on his own blog in every post.

Sometimes freedom really is just another word for nothing left to lose. Lose him, or at least stop giving him more than he will ever be capable of giving you.

You're an excellent writer, and should write somewhere. Maybe you need to do it (more) anonymously, and not be part of the jefferson harem. There is so much more to you, and dareIsay all the women.

I hate that I'm giving advice. I never do it. But this situation bugs me.

Desire X said...

I don't know what to say sweetheart. I had to find my one and wrap myself up in him. I just couldn't imagine sharing him. What we do share is more for private than public. I hope you two can work this out. I hope it helps something blossom in you, otherwise it is all just pain. And from what I have read here, there is far too much pain.

I wish I could make it better.
I'll send you hugs across the miles and hope that you feel them.

I have a good ear. If it becomes overwhelming and you need a friend, please don't hesitate. Email me.

Barbie

Lizzie said...

A few thoughts on this:
1- I don't read your blog for stories about Jefferson, and I bet most people feel the same way. Your blog is unique because of your style and how much of yourself comes through in your writing. No matter what you're writing about.
2- Jealousy sucks. Its such a frustrating and draining emotion that almost always feels useless but it seems so impossible to get rid of even when you know you should. Know what? Your jealousy is valid. You're allowed to get upset when you hear/read things you'd rather not know about. Its what you do with it that counts.
3- Whatever, I think you're cool anyway :P

Jefferson said...

Whenever readers question whether or not our blogs are "real," we can refer them to moments like this.

Yes, we are all real people, and yes, a lot of us are having a lot of sex with each other. And even more, we write well about it.

But we are real people. And that means it can be frustrating to read other people's accounts of being with our lovers. And it can be even more frustrating when time is constricted, as mine has been recently due to family and work.

All of that can be tough. It's the flip side to how extraordinary the good stuff is.

The Glengarry Leads said...

I had more thoughts on this. This whole "ployamory" thing. Sounds great. Sounds almost logical. Humans are sexual beings and hey, what is wrong with spreading the love a little bit, right?

I used to listen to Dr Drew's "Love Line" for many many years before moving east (and then back out west). One thing that rang true after listening to thousands of callers to the show: Girls need emotional committment from their men. Girls need love and emotion. This is not to say that you don't love the other sexual experiences you've been exposed to, but clearly, from your more recent writing, you need love, and you are not in the kind of relationship that actually gives that to you.

You are a not only a human in evolution, you are an evolving human. You are very young still. You've moved into a sexual world where the other players are a lot more experienced in life and a lot more "grown up" (I hate to say that). Look at Jefferson: He is bisexual, got married, had kids, etc and has his whole young adult life to use as something to react to in the living of his future life. You've got Lacrosse practice. The two do not compare.

I hate to be preachy (have I ever preached to you?). But things really look like you need to gravitate towards a life that is a bit less on the fringe. You're in college for chrissakes. You can have all the wild sexual action you want without having to play the head games of this little sex circle (no offense intended to those in the sex circle).

Look at Rose. This lady has lived some life. She came into that little circle after having had some serious life experiences already. And she spent her time there, and look, she has already moved onwards and beyond.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I think you've already gotten all you are going to "get" from this particular scene. Your life evolves. Evolve with it. Find a different scene.