25 October 2006


This is my 200th post already.

I just wrote my 100th in August!

So, like I've written, I've been really into my painting lately. I've made 15 this month, 6 alone on Saturday.

My paintings totally give away my mood.

One night I was feeling pretty down and painted 3 canvases in a dark-blue/black background.

The next week I was feeling better and was using bright reds and yellows and cheery colors.

Tonight I'm back to another dark color.

I feel like crap right now.

I weighed myself last night and I broke down in tears. I hadn't realized how much weight I'd gained. I knew I had put on some because my jeans were a little tight. I'm not even wearing them anymore because they're too tight. But I was absolutely shocked really.

I couldn't bear the thought of eating today. And I didn't until like 5:30. And of course I had to get rid of it. I couldn't stand it. And then I ate disgusting pasta after a long nap.

And now I'm painting with dark colors.

Why? Because I'm so fat.

And because I haven't heard from Jefferson since Saturday morning, where as we usually e-mail everyday and now my head is filled with paranoid thoughts that don't make much sense and are probably not true. So I don't want to get pissed until I know I have good reason to.

So, yeah, I'm pretty miserable right now.

But watching season 1 of the Sopranos with my roommate, so that's cool.


Anonymous said...

Avah, I've been reading your blog for quite some time now; I've never commented before, mostly because I can't relate to somethings you go through, but the depression and bipolar I can :p . Just remember, there are people out there, even if they don't comment, that really enjoy your writing, and you can't let the world get to you. Just keep living one day at a time, and don't stress about the distant future.
I look forward to your next 100 posts,

Jefferson said...

Your friends are with you, Avah. Don't despair that.

You know what your idol Van Gogh did? He said he saw more colors by night than by day, and he avoided black.