31 October 2006


It seems people might have taken my rant the wrong way.

I’m not going to end things with Jefferson because he sees other people, or because other people write about him. That’s just silly. I knew what I was getting into when I started seeing him. And most days it doesn’t bother me and I don’t even think about it.

But there are some times that my feelings get hurt, for whatever reason.

And as Jefferson said, he’s been very busy this week and we haven’t really gotten to talk (e-mail) at all which is hard for me when I’m used to daily communication.

There’s also a lot that goes on between Jefferson and I that doesn’t get blogged about. Conversations, e-mails, etc. These are things we have indeed already talked about. And maybe it’s not fair to Jefferson for me to skimp on those things and then blow up out of no where with something like this.

Jefferson and I are very solid (his words). And we do love each other. Maybe I don’t do enough to show his side, which, in itself is hard. And Jefferson is a couple of months behind on his blog, so you can’t read us from his point of view yet.

And Jefferson isn’t the cause of my insecurities. I’ve been insecure in past relationships as well. Past, monogamous relationships. So I really don’t think quitting is going to cure my insecurities.

And everyone seemed to miss my feelings about how I feel as a blogger! It wasn’t an entire rant about Jefferson. A lot of times I feel invisible as a blogger. I don’t get many comments, even though people always tell me they like my writing. And I want interaction with my readers! That’s one reason why I added Meebo. Since I can’t seem to get people to comment on posts (that don’t contain a lot of emotion or whatnot) I thought I could get people to talk to me and tell me what they think. And adding Meebo has been awesome. I’ve had some really cool conversations with people.

I also get just a little annoyed that I’m not really recognized as one of Jefferson’s lovers. If other bloggers mention Jefferson, they usually say something about Meg or Madeline. Good writers, of course. But they don’t write that often. And it’s been 7 months now, so like, hello! Maybe that’ll change once Jefferson catches up in his blog and writes about me, in like, 5 months. (At the rate he’s going) ;-)

But I’m a stat whore and comment whore. I want my blog out there and getting tons of readers. And I want comments. I like that I got so many comments on that last post. I want your input and feedback! But I’d also like to hear something on my stories, where I put so much of my creative energy!

But please don’t hate Jefferson. He’s done nothing wrong. Really.


Mariel said...

You don't know me, but I created a blogger profile almost entirely so that I could leave a comment for you. I wanted specifically to leave the comment on this post, because it doesn't have any comments yet and it is in my nature to root for the underdog.

I've only been following all of this for about a week, and it's going to take me an awful long time to sift through enough everybody's back-entries (*cough*) to get the whole story on every character I've come to feel invested in. I must say that you have been my favorite. Your writing has a raw, unrehearsed quality to it that instantly appealed to me, as I'm sure it does to many others. You don't seem to edit yourself often, and you also don't seem shy about speaking your mind. There aren't enough compliments in the world for that quality. It's rare.

Jealousy and insecurity are terrible burdens. If you ask me, they're some of the worst. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling, even if I can't imagine myself in a similar situation, having to deal with what you, and everybody in that circle and others like it, deal with. I honestly don't know how you do it, but I admire your resilience. The only advice I have for you is to try not to fall into the pattern of feeling guilty about your jealousy and hurt, on top of the jealousy and hurt itself. It's not something you can control, and it's certainly not un-called-for, given your circumstances. Who's really so well-adjusted they wouldn't react similarly if they were in your shoes? As for the other involved parties who are able to keep such a cool head about all this business - guaranteed they have other areas of their lives which throw them for a loop. It's human nature.

You are also ridiculously beautiful. Sorry for the non-sequitur, but I couldn't think of another nice, neat way to wrap this up, and who doesn't like a compliment?

Avah said...

Um, I love you! Will you be my new best friend? :-D

peace_child said...

I love reading your blog and miss it when you don't write much. I second the motion the 2nd paragraph of Mariel. I always get off reading your steamy experiences so much so that I wish I get to know the beautiful person behind the blog.

Mariel said...

Well, that depends. Will there be panty-clad pillowfights involved? Can you cook? Are you good at remembering birthdays? Will you hate me because I never use the phone?

These are all issues of the utmost importance, you know.

Anonymous said...

I had to laugh at the new world you allude to about not being recognized as one of Jefferson's lovers. Historically it's generally been the a fine goal to simply be recognized by one person as their lover, bonus points for being great. The bar has been raised! Now you have an entire community and thousands of readers appraising your performance - both sexually and in writing, and now in art. You are bold!