01 February 2007

All Good Things Must Come to an End

"Love is unconditional, relationships are not."
-Grant Gudmundson

10 months ago Jefferson and I met for the first time for an afternoon of very hot sex. I never expected us to last this long. And I certainly never expected to fall so in love.

God this is really hard to write...

I went through the day, Tuesday, numb, anxious, and nauseous. I sat in my last class, my science class, listening to my teacher drone on about our lab, checking my watch every five minutes, counting down the minutes until I had to catch my bus into the city.

The lab was short and sweet and I finished an hour earlier than I anticipated, so I was able to catch an earlier bus.

My roommate, Noelle had just put some Dane Cook on my iPod so I listened to him on the bus, trying to not to laugh out loud like an insane person, to keep my nerves calm as best I could.

I emerged from the subway and walked the few blocks to Jefferson's with the pit in my stomach growing heavier.

I stood across the street from his building, frozen with dread.

It'll be OK, whatever happens, I told myself. I took a deep breath and crossed the street when the light changed.

Since I was early, I sat for a few minutes in the lobby. I felt a lump in the back of my throat form as I watched him walk in with grocery bags in his hands.

"You're early!" he said smiling.

Oh God.

He sure is handsome when he smiles.

Just enjoy tonight, worry about it tomorrow, I told myself.

We caught up on recent events in our lives as Jefferson fried some chicken for dinner.

We moved the bedroom once we were finished and Jefferson started lighting some candles.

"I know it's just us, but it's romantic," he said.

The clothes came off and we held each other close, kissing deeply. I wanted it to never end. I wanted to feel his skin on mine forever. And look into his eyes for an eternity. His eyes that always seem to be smiling.

Oh God the sex was good. It was so freaking good. And we came together, a first I believe and Jefferson collapsed for a bit on me in my arms. I held him, smiling as he snored, lost in my thoughts and memories.

He stirred and moved up the bed, bringing me tight into his arms as I felt my own eye lids grow heavy.

Jefferson got up, covering the bed with a blanket and blew the candles out. He pulled me close into him again as we settled in to sleep.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, kissing my neck.

My heart sank.

"Me too."

My eyes opened slowly the next morning as light poured in through the window. I squinted at the clock, seeing it was only a little after 8.

I wished the morning had never come.

I turned towards Jefferson, wrapping my arms around him, trying to sleep a little more, wanting to get my last fill of being as close as possible.

"Good morning," he said as we woke up together.
"Morning," I replied as I leaned in to kiss him.

I held his face in my hands as I leaned my body in as close as possible.

He climbed on top of me, pushing my legs back, and looking down at me as he rolled a condom on.

I sighed and moaned as he pushed into me.

I came over and over again as we made love one last time. I pulled him close to me as he slowed down, hugging him tight as tears fell down my cheeks.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"And I love you," he replied, kissing me sweetly.

After a few minutes he moved to my side, keeping me close to him.

We got up for some lunch and I ate nervously as I counted down the last few minutes of being together.

Jefferson and I climbed back into bed once we'd finished eating. He wrapped himself in me, his head resting on my chest, his arms wrapped around me, and our legs twisted together. My heart pounded so fast and so loud as I contemplated the right words to say.

I was convinced he could hear my pounding heart.

Just say it, just do it already.

"Jefferson?" I squeaked, trying to find my voice.
"We have to talk about something," I whispered, losing it.
"What's up?"
"You love me, right?"
"Yes, of course."
"Do you love me enough to let me go?"
"Where would you go?" he asked, pausing. "Do you not want us to see each other anymore?"
"I can't."
"It hurts too much," I said, my voice cracking.
"What hurts?"
"I'm just not built for this kind of relationship." The tears were burning at the back of my eyes.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Well, I want to be with you, but not if you're unhappy."

I hugged him tighter, the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

We held each other quietly for the next hour with my sniffles being the only sound in the room.

This probably goes on the record for being one of the better break-ups in history.

Jefferson was so sweet and comforting, it made me even sadder to go. He kissed me and held me tight as I continued crying.

"You know I still want to be friends, right?" I assured him between sniffles.
"Good. I can't lose you completely."

I hugged him tight, knowing it was time to go.

He got up to wash up and I started to dress, fighting back more tears, and blowing my nose.

Jefferson got my coat from the closet and helped me into it. I bit my lip as we left, not wanting to keep crying.

As we made our way up the street to the subway, Jefferson held his elbow out for me to hold. I linked my arm in his and walked silently beside him.

He pulled me into an embrace as we reached the subway entrance, kissing my cheeks and forehead. I moved my mouth to his and kissed him deep.

"I love you," he said to me.
"I love you too," I said, choking back more tears.
"We'll find something that works."
I nodded into his shoulder as I hugged him tight one last time.


ana said...

oh my...i am so sorry...

this post made me cry. Take care, Avah

Mariel said...

You are brave.

Callie said...


Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself. This does not mean you can't still keep him close, nor does it mean you can't change your mind.

You'll be okay.

Lizzie said...

Sweet Avah, I cannot imagine how much it hurts to give up something that you love so much, but know is not right for you now. I listened to the song as I read this post, and I totally teared up. I'm sure it took so much out of you to go through with it, and I don't envy you that, but I do envy you the strength of character to know whats right for yourself and go after it, no matter the pain. I'm thinking about you, and I hope you find some peace and comfort. *hugs*

Emmie said...

that is so touchy... i feel so sorry.... do take care of yourself... u have to face life as it is coming... u have to be a brave girl... hope something good in your life which will make u feel better...u can sometimes drop by My Blog as well ...hope u will like it...!!!

El Cuervo said...

good luck... I hope things get better for you and find someone that willl give you what you had and more

Anonymous said...

You have so much to give. I'm sure you will find that person some day.

You are very brave.

sinclair said...

good for you avah. it's so freakin hard to stand up for your own feelings & needs ... but good job, knowing what you (don't) want and going after it. okay so it sounds corny, but someone's out there looking for you too. never settle. xo

Christina said...

In the series finale of "Six Feet Under"...Ruth says to Brenda:

"I know Nate loved you the very best he could...and I know you needed more."

There's nothing wrong with needing more Avah. Remember what I said about loving yourself enough to never settle.

Good for you, brave girl.