I was reading some entries from my diary and found this statement:
(In the context of talking about my developing jealousy with Jefferson)
But I'm afraid it's just going to get worse. I overheard Jefferson on the phone with Mitzi the other day, and she was saying she was jealous and it was apparently a conversation they've had a lot. I don't want that to be me in a year. Or however long. I want to always be happy that I have and love Jefferson and that he loves me. I don't want the pain to come. Love shouldn't have to hurt.
I wish I could go back to feeling like that: happy with the relationship.
Maybe it's just one of the stages of break-ups, but I'm really regretful about it now. I'm miserable. I just want it to not be true. All I can remember is how happy I was with Jefferson. I'm really just sick to my stomach with regret.
Except I know I don't know how to deal with everyone else anymore.
This is taking a really God-damned long time to get better!
7 comments:
OK, since you've published, I think it is a fair question to ask now (gimme a minute to ask it).
I remember from Jefferson's blog (when I first began reading it in April of 06) that he was very upfront that he was absolutely NOT exclusive with any of his sex partners. He might like them (or even love them), but he seemed to make it quite clear that Jefferson is not interested in an exclusive relationship with anyone. As I remember, on more than one occaision, a few girls fell (hard) for him, and he held his ground and stuck to his non-exclusive stance.
Did something change that I'm not aware of? I do not read his blog as often as I used to. You describe "breaking up"...Were you two a "couple"?
I will have to admit, unless something did change (in terms of his exclusivity status), your blog (over the past few months) seemed to become more and more Jefferson-focused. So was this a break-up or was it you facing your need for exclusivity with Jefferson?
No Jefferson is not exclusive and has no intention of being so. We were a couple in the sense that we were us and we had our own relationship with our private interactions and feelings.
My blog has become more Jefferson focused because he's been my only lover since late July (apart from the orgies). It isn't in my nature to see a lot of people. I was doing for awhile in the spring, but once I settled into my relationship with Jefferson, I let the other guys fall off my radar.
This is more or less a "break-up." Maybe Jefferson and I weren't a technical boyfriend/girlfriend couple, but we had a realationship that I ended. Because I couldn't deal with knowing about his other relationships.
I know better than to ever expect or even want exclusivity from Jefferson, but I am a person that needs to be in an exclusive relationship.
So I hope that clears things up for you.
Thanks Avah,
This is what I do not understand then...You were often writing about your desire to find/be with girls (like Gia, the girl you said you just kissed). And yet you obviously wanted some exclusivity from Jefferson. It sounds like you've not really sorted-out who you are/want to be and even what you really want. Do you know what you want? Do you want to be exclusive with Gia, or do you want an exclusive relationship with a man and then just a little quiet "nookie action" going on the side?
I have to admit *I'm* confused. Perhaps you are too?
A lot of Jefferson's partners seem to get fairly jealous, from what I've read. He hooks up with people who seem to want him more exclusivley than he can give. This isnt't a knock on you. You knew going in what he was like, and made a conscious decision to end it because you knew it was no good for you.
It was worrisome reading how you got so caught up in Jefferson. Ask Callie (assuming you two are hanging out) about how she got caught up in the other guy she brought to Jefferson's party. It was a similar reaction watching her react to her relationship with him not work out right.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. If you do decide to live life with open relationships, and want someone who's been there for a while to talk to, let me know.
I remember my days listening to KROQ's "Love Line" radio show with Dr Drew and Adam Carolla. It later became a show on MTV and even went into nationwide syndication. Pretty popular show.
One thing that always responated with me is how Dr Drew would always say that while men are quite often able to emotionally be with multiples of partners, and to go from one to another without any emotional issues, the same is not true for women. Women seek exclusivity and security. Men seek to spread the seed as far as possible. Jefferson is a guy who is true to himself and his nature, but it is often difficult for some of the girls to part with him.
And of course, 15 new girls will read this tear-jerker of a blog, find themselves fascinated by the idea of fucking him and Jefferson will keep getting laid. He is a self-perpetuating sex machine. Hats off to Jefferson.
So Avah, at the end of the day, are you still friendly with Jefferson, or are you pissed that he does not want exclusivity with you?
I'm not pissed about not getting exclusivity from Jefferson.
I've never said I asked for it.
I wouldn't expect it, nor do I want it from a 43 year old man.
So yes, we are still friendly.
I'm not going to speak to what "men prefer" or "women prefer". I know from my own personal experience that there are women who prefer multiple partners, and there are men who don't, and who've been offered the option.
It's up to Avah to decide if that's what he wants now.
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