Ahem

Excuse me...

*Taps Microphone*

Is this thing on?

Oh, ok. Good.

In 2 months (exactly, from yesterday) I will be celebrating my 21st birthday. (That's April 8, for clarification)

*Cue Excitement*

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Just throwing it out there.

HNT #15

The Details

So last night I'm texting with Gia, trying to make plans for the night when she asks me if I want to go to a gay club. Of course I was game.

We drove down to Sayreville and met up with a friend of hers to watch a drag show.

It was awesome. I saw girls doing flips and cartwheels in stiletto heels! Un-freaking-believable!

Now I really want to go out dancing. I'll have to see if we can do that soon. She's a really good dancer too. She tried to get me to dance with her, but I wouldn't cause no one else was dancing.

I know, I know. I can fuck a guy with an audience, but I can't dance with an audience. Even Gia was amazed by that, lol.

Plus, if I danced with her, I might have had to fuck her right there on the floor, and well, it wasn't that kind of club, lol.

So after we headed home and I was dropping her off at her house we were sitting in my car saying goodnight. I was totally prepared to kiss her this time. I took off my seat-belt and was facing towards her. We were leaned in close, as I was showing her the pics I took on my phone that night, and we looked at each other- knowing we both wanted to kiss, since our faces were that close together. But it was a minuted later, and I was mid sentence when we both just leaned in. Oh man it was so awesome. It was a nice, good kiss. I still day dream about it.

I really just can't wait until we finally fuck. It's going to be really freaking awesome.

And it's all gonna happen without Jefferson there, lol.

Dogs Rule

We Kissed!!

Ahhh!! Gia and I kissed!!! We finally did it!!! I'm so excited!!!

More tomorrow....

Cupcakes are Yummy!!

Picture!!

Rationing

I know it's been awhile since my last story. Almost a month now. I really haven't had any inspiration to write.

And I suppose now I have to ration them out since it could be awhile before I have sex again.

Oh dear God.

But I do have lots of stories to tell from December and January. And with that in mind, and stories with Jefferson are obviously from then. I'm just going to roll my eyes if I get any comments with "but I thought you broke up..."

But I have begun one story from December's Orgy where a new couple, Jason and Ellie debut. It's an awesome tale I know you're gonna love. So stay tuned, and I'll try to get that up as soon as I can.

I Actually Can't Think of Any Catchy Title

I was reading some entries from my diary and found this statement:

(In the context of talking about my developing jealousy with Jefferson)

But I'm afraid it's just going to get worse. I overheard Jefferson on the phone with Mitzi the other day, and she was saying she was jealous and it was apparently a conversation they've had a lot. I don't want that to be me in a year. Or however long. I want to always be happy that I have and love Jefferson and that he loves me. I don't want the pain to come. Love shouldn't have to hurt.

I wish I could go back to feeling like that: happy with the relationship.

Maybe it's just one of the stages of break-ups, but I'm really regretful about it now. I'm miserable. I just want it to not be true. All I can remember is how happy I was with Jefferson. I'm really just sick to my stomach with regret.

Except I know I don't know how to deal with everyone else anymore.

This is taking a really God-damned long time to get better!

Brrrrr

OMG it's sooooo freaking cold outside!!!

It's been over a week since I've been to the gym, so I know I have to go. But it's just so damn cold !!!

Plus I need to go to Cingular too to fix my plan and ask some questions about my ultra cool new phone.

**Oh, and also- I'm majorly horny. And not the kind of horny that playing with myself can fix. I'm kinky horny- and that's bad. Very, very bad. Why? Because I have no one to tie me up and beat me anymore. Or fuck me. And that makes me so, so incredibly sad. :-( **

I'm So Cool it Hurts!

No, really- it hurts!! I got my nose pierced yesterday!

So I've been e-mailing back and forth with Gia this week (the one I have a crush on) and we were talking about how we should hang out again since it's been a month, and I told her also that I wanted to get my nose pierced at some point and if she would hold my hand. So yesterday I was at home, after being snowed in, and she e-mailed me asking if I wanted to have lunch with her since she had the day off. It was already after lunch by the time I got back to school, but I called her and she said she was just hanging out with her friend Dave, whom she hadn't seen in a year, and for me to come hang out with them.

As soon as I got to her place she was like, So you wanna get it piereced now?

How could I say no?

We sat in Dave's car for a little while just chillin' (lol) as he showed off his music and lights and stuff that he did, and he was hitting on my hard core as well.

We eventually made our way over to a local tattoo/piercing studio. I was nervous as we waited. I didn't want it to hurt, lol. And I was annoyed Dave was still hitting on me! I wasn't at all returning the sentiment, so you'd think he'd pick up on that...but noooo....

Well I picked out my ring (a cute purple one) and the guy took us back to the room. Gia came with to hold my hand, and Dave came too to watch. I held Gia's hand even as the guy was just cleaning my nose and marking the spot. I tensed as he brought the needle and receiving tube up to my nose. He told me to relax my face and not move.

OMG it hurt so fucking bad when he was doing it!! And I flinched so he had to pause and wait for me to relax before he could finish, which was even worse!! Oh man it hurt so freaking bad though. Though it's funny cause I'm just calmly swearing as he's doing it.

So then after Gia's asking the guy about possibly getting her belly button repierced, and as she's doing that, Dave's right on my ass and finally manages to ask me out. Sure I'm flattered and all. But I'm not really into him. Nor am I at all ready to date! I still get all teary about Jefferson and I'm at that stage where I have to fight myself to crawl to to him and beg him to take me back! God am I so regretful at this point. Not such a good frame of mind for dating.

That's not to say I don't still have the hots for Gia! Lol. OMG she's so delish I wanna just kiss her all over!

We're totally gonna do it. We were all touchy feely all yesterday and last night, and then I spent the night again because I locked my keys in the apartment, and so we were all cuddly all night. She told me she really wanted to kiss me last time, and that she's trying really hard to stay just friends, but that if something happens, she can't really help it.

I was gonna kiss her, I really was. And I'm not sure why I didn't exactly. That first kiss is a little nerve racking I guess. But, I suppose this way, the tension builds a little more.

I'm hoping we're gonna hang out Tuesday night, so maybe I'll work up the courage then.

So yeah, and my nose still freaking hurts. OMG. I keep accidentally touching it too! Ugh! Hopefully the soreness will go away soon!

Now I'm all really, really cool with my tattoos and piercings! I love it!

Trudging Along

I'm basically just waiting for the sting to go away.

Yesterday's post was extremely hard to write and finish. I had to keep stopping because I kept crying.

Last night I was getting into my shower and noticed a bite mark from Tuesday night and, of course, broke down again.

And I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Next week's going to be hard not seeing him, and not because we're busy.

And then the week after when the orgy comes and I think of all the fun I'm missing and who takes my place next to him at the end of the night.

Ugh, see there I go again with the tears. I didn't know one person could cry this much.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

"Love is unconditional, relationships are not."
-Grant Gudmundson

10 months ago Jefferson and I met for the first time for an afternoon of very hot sex. I never expected us to last this long. And I certainly never expected to fall so in love.

God this is really hard to write...

I went through the day, Tuesday, numb, anxious, and nauseous. I sat in my last class, my science class, listening to my teacher drone on about our lab, checking my watch every five minutes, counting down the minutes until I had to catch my bus into the city.

The lab was short and sweet and I finished an hour earlier than I anticipated, so I was able to catch an earlier bus.

My roommate, Noelle had just put some Dane Cook on my iPod so I listened to him on the bus, trying to not to laugh out loud like an insane person, to keep my nerves calm as best I could.

I emerged from the subway and walked the few blocks to Jefferson's with the pit in my stomach growing heavier.

I stood across the street from his building, frozen with dread.

It'll be OK, whatever happens, I told myself. I took a deep breath and crossed the street when the light changed.

Since I was early, I sat for a few minutes in the lobby. I felt a lump in the back of my throat form as I watched him walk in with grocery bags in his hands.

"You're early!" he said smiling.

Oh God.

He sure is handsome when he smiles.

Just enjoy tonight, worry about it tomorrow, I told myself.

We caught up on recent events in our lives as Jefferson fried some chicken for dinner.

We moved the bedroom once we were finished and Jefferson started lighting some candles.

"I know it's just us, but it's romantic," he said.

The clothes came off and we held each other close, kissing deeply. I wanted it to never end. I wanted to feel his skin on mine forever. And look into his eyes for an eternity. His eyes that always seem to be smiling.

Oh God the sex was good. It was so freaking good. And we came together, a first I believe and Jefferson collapsed for a bit on me in my arms. I held him, smiling as he snored, lost in my thoughts and memories.

He stirred and moved up the bed, bringing me tight into his arms as I felt my own eye lids grow heavy.

Jefferson got up, covering the bed with a blanket and blew the candles out. He pulled me close into him again as we settled in to sleep.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, kissing my neck.

My heart sank.

"Me too."

My eyes opened slowly the next morning as light poured in through the window. I squinted at the clock, seeing it was only a little after 8.

I wished the morning had never come.

I turned towards Jefferson, wrapping my arms around him, trying to sleep a little more, wanting to get my last fill of being as close as possible.

"Good morning," he said as we woke up together.
"Morning," I replied as I leaned in to kiss him.

I held his face in my hands as I leaned my body in as close as possible.

He climbed on top of me, pushing my legs back, and looking down at me as he rolled a condom on.

I sighed and moaned as he pushed into me.

I came over and over again as we made love one last time. I pulled him close to me as he slowed down, hugging him tight as tears fell down my cheeks.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"And I love you," he replied, kissing me sweetly.

After a few minutes he moved to my side, keeping me close to him.

We got up for some lunch and I ate nervously as I counted down the last few minutes of being together.

Jefferson and I climbed back into bed once we'd finished eating. He wrapped himself in me, his head resting on my chest, his arms wrapped around me, and our legs twisted together. My heart pounded so fast and so loud as I contemplated the right words to say.

I was convinced he could hear my pounding heart.

Just say it, just do it already.

"Jefferson?" I squeaked, trying to find my voice.
"Yes?"
"We have to talk about something," I whispered, losing it.
"What's up?"
"You love me, right?"
"Yes, of course."
"Do you love me enough to let me go?"
"Where would you go?" he asked, pausing. "Do you not want us to see each other anymore?"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"It hurts too much," I said, my voice cracking.
"What hurts?"
"I'm just not built for this kind of relationship." The tears were burning at the back of my eyes.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Well, I want to be with you, but not if you're unhappy."

I hugged him tighter, the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

We held each other quietly for the next hour with my sniffles being the only sound in the room.

This probably goes on the record for being one of the better break-ups in history.

Jefferson was so sweet and comforting, it made me even sadder to go. He kissed me and held me tight as I continued crying.

"You know I still want to be friends, right?" I assured him between sniffles.
"No."
"Yes!"
"Good. I can't lose you completely."

I hugged him tight, knowing it was time to go.

He got up to wash up and I started to dress, fighting back more tears, and blowing my nose.

Jefferson got my coat from the closet and helped me into it. I bit my lip as we left, not wanting to keep crying.

As we made our way up the street to the subway, Jefferson held his elbow out for me to hold. I linked my arm in his and walked silently beside him.

He pulled me into an embrace as we reached the subway entrance, kissing my cheeks and forehead. I moved my mouth to his and kissed him deep.

"I love you," he said to me.
"I love you too," I said, choking back more tears.
"We'll find something that works."
I nodded into his shoulder as I hugged him tight one last time.

I Love You

Update coming shortly...