11 July 2006

Choosing our Paths

I got an e-mail tonight from Master Enigma, replying to a comment of mine on his blog, and he asked me, how at such a young age I can be so sure of my path.

I started writing a response and found it was making for a good post, so here's my reply:

I don't believe I am totally sure of my path. I mean I know I like it kinky, and I think I've just always known since I was a rather young girl, but these days, my role isn't so clear. I'm very torn in the past couple of months between my feelings of wanting to be bound and flogged and my feelings of wanting to have a subject of my own that I want to make moan and squirm. I may just be a person that likes both. I'm also becoming a little unclear about my own sexuality as I find my lust and desire for women to be steadily increasing, and I see myself having shifted from "bi-curious" to straight out bi. And it's a little scary for me, because I don't know what it means for me.

And while I may know what I like physically, I've really only just dipped a toe into the pool of the mental aspect. I'm still very much exploring the aspect of mental submission and dominance. I really don't feel I've done enough exploration with either. When I first met Jefferson, there was very much a more heightened feeling of his dominance over my submission than there is now. I must admit, I rather miss it. It gets me so high and just makes my skin tingle when he would grab my hair and push me to my knees, feed me his cock, then make me crawl to the bedroom. If you go all the way to my first post, you can kind of see what I mean. When I first created the blog, with just that one post, I originally titled it "Avah's Ascent to Submission" because it seemed fitting at the time and because that feeling of submission was so intense and new for me. It was more than just being tied up and spanked, which I was already familiar with. Or even being told what to do, also I was familiar with. But this time I wanted it. I wanted to give Jefferson the control and do anything he asked. I wanted to take as much fucking or pain as he wanted to give. And that want is far from gone.

My feelings on my dominance are far less clear. I don't know what it takes for me to be dominant. I've never been into the service aspect of submission (though that doesn't mean I won't do dishes or help straighten up if I know it would help Jefferson out) and I'm not big on it in a dominant role. But if a sub really wants to wash my dishes and vacuum my house, I'm not going to stop him! But I do get a little tired of the boys asking me, "So what kind of stuff are you going to make me do?" or, "So what do you want to do to me?" They do know I'm new at this, so why don't they know I'm still learning new things and don't have a lot in my bag of tricks yet? I know I like my strap-on, and I love the action of doing the fucking, whether it's on boys or girls. And I know I love inflicting pain. But I'm the kind of person that only likes it if they truly like it too. But I do want them to want to take as much as possible for me. The way I want to give. I feel like, at this point, I can be assertive and a bit sadistic, in the bedroom, but outside, I really have no interest in being dominant. It just isn't my personality really. I'm quite docile and passive in actuality. Perhaps why I fit in the submissive role a bit more comfortably...

So, I hope I've shed some clarity on the actual murkiness of everything...lol


Kate said...

Isn't that the best part of life.. always learning more about yourself as you are constantly changing ;) I feel sorry for those too scared to open pandora's box and look at themselves. Thanks for sharing more of your self-discoveries with us :)Cheers!

Avah said...

Thanks Kate. Hopefully my posts can inspire others to open that box, and find it's not quite as scary as it might seem.