22 March 2007

This is Me Skipping Class

I'm just so not in the mood to leave the dorm today. I'll have to later for my evening class though, since I missed it Tuesday.

My depression seems to have reared it's ugly head again. Just as I was feeling good too...

Of course.

So my roommate thinks I'm a slut. She didn't come out and say it, but I'm pretty sure that's what she thinks since I slept with Kyle so quickly.

And Kyle ended up having to cancel yesterday, and I didn't take it so well, and Noelle wasn't being the most supportive friend, and in my frustration I said that she couldn't understand since she has her boyfriend.

So she wrote a retaliation in her Xanga.

Basically it's my own fault I'm constantly disappointed and hurt by men.

Maybe it is. I don't want to leave the man I love, even though he repeatedly disappoints me and lets me down.

And here I am now, with Kyle, and I feel like my feet are stuck in tar and I can't get out of this miserable situation.

I didn't meet Kyle to get into another "relationship" or dead end love affair. I wanted to meet someone to distract me from Jefferson. But here it is, we've gone on two dates, and he's cancelled two dates. And all I'm thinking is how I already get my fair share (more than fair share, really) of disappointment from Jefferson, a man I'm admittedly head over heels in love with, and now I'm being disappointed my a man I'm head over heels in like with.

I really like Kyle. And he really likes me. And he feels so, so terrible about cancelling last night.

And, honestly, part of me is terrified of moving forward with him because I can easily see myself falling in love with him, and I really, really don't want to. And I don't know how not to fall in love.

But needless to say, I'm a bit irked with Noelle.

First of all, I'm a little tired of constantly being around her and her boyfriend. I mean really, sometimes I just wanna hurl. They are that couple everyone hates. Plus her boyfriend is so freaking awkward around me and it makes me feel awkward.

Second of all, I'm also tired of being constantly ditched and forgotten.

You'd be surprised how little you see someone even when you share a room with them.

But if she's gonna be all judgemental and unsupportive, then I don't really wanna hang out right now.

And maybe Noelle, if you don't approve of my lifestyle, you shouldn't read my blog anymore.

Mother-fucking depression. I hate how obsessive I get when I'm in it. Obsessive about all the negative shit.

And I have this presentation/paper I have to do for class Tuesday and I've barely started. Well, I haven't started really. I need to do all the research. But so far my inital searches haven't proven very successful. I'll get it done though. I always do.

God, I hate public speaking. Especially on topics I'm not too sure about. I don't know anything about Arte Povera or Michelangelo Pistoletto. Fuck me.

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