07 January 2007

Up, Down, Turn around

So I'm watching this Intervention show on A&E and there's this cutter on it and her story is just reminding me how crazy and crappy I'm feeling.

My mood has been cycling faster than your head can spin. One minute I'm happy, joking, hopeful and enthusiastic about everything, and then an hour later I'm crying, crabby, depressed and suicidal.

I watched this show on TLC about how doctors cut out part of this kids brains to help him stop having seizures. I wish there was a part of my brain that could be cut out to make me stop feeling like crap for no reason.

I'm not sure which is worse- being stuck in a depression or cycling this rapidly.

Feeling like this and watching that girl cutting herself makes me miss it. I haven't done it since those 2 times in September. But I also remember how crazy and out of control I felt being a slave to that addiction. I'm 20, going on 21, and I shouldn't be dealing with my pain like that anymore.

I don't deal with it with my eating anymore either. God, I miss that 1,000 times more. Having that sense of control. And being that thin. I don't know which was better.

Oddly enough though, I don't really control whether or not my eating is nuts. It kinda just happens. I thought it might come back when I lost my job. That's been a past result after disappointments.

And to my disappointment, it wasn't a result this time.

I was on a total high last weekend when my work told me they were going to keep me permanently. But I crashed New Year's Eve.

I didn't have any plans, which I was kinda, sorta bummed about, but wasn't stressing too much. And then New Year's Eve day, at work, Gia (the girl crush) invited me to a party she was going too. I passed it up since I wasn't going to know anyone. But it's a good thing because how far my mood plummeted.

I was in a great mood at work. I was bored, but in a good mood. I felt myself sink just even as I walked through the parking lot to my car. I went to go take a nap, hoping I'd feel better when I woke up.

No such luck. Maybe it was because I was rudely awoken by one of my nasty, dumb roommates I hate.

I spent a good part of the night curled up in my bed and sobbing because how overwhelmed I was with thoughts of dying.

The idea of doing another year of feeling like this seemed unbearable.

And not just another year. Another 50 years.

The medicine hasn't been working either. It wasn't even making me hornier.

So, I dunno. I just keep banging my head against the wall.

And the bad mood has since passed since I started writing this entry. Of course.

I guess it's time for bed now.


D'jaevle said...

I wish there were easy answers; there aren't.

But maybe we don't need easy answers, just the acceptance that we have to make up our own.

We exert control through cutting, we cry to laugh, sob to smile.

Mitzi said...

Hang in there. Don't let yourself get lost. I love you very much, and want nothing bad to ever happen to you.