22 July 2006

It isn't always sunshine and rainbows

Or cuddles and orgasms.

My job was crap and I wasn't earning any money. See, I thought I'd try my hand at being a professional dominatrix. So I went and got myself a job at a dungeon in the garment district. Problem was, I didn't earn money if I didn't get any clients. And in two weeks there, I didn't get a single one. But I was still spending money in train tickets to get there. But with my credit cards maxed out, I was just scrounging for dollars where ever I could find it.

Everyone at work told me to just be patient; that it takes a little time. But the stress and anxiety of not having to enough money to get by and not earning any money at a job was getting to me. I'd cry every night after counting the few bills in my wallet or after spending 8 hours at a job and going home penniless.

So after another long and boring night at work with not a single client for me, the only place I wanted to go at 1AM at the end of my shift was home. But Benjamin had IMed me earlier and practically begged me to come over. Of course going to see him in Rockaway that late at night meant I wouldn't get home until at least 4. Having promised earlier that week though that I'd go see him one night after work, I begrudgingly agreed, hoping maybe it would even make me feel better.

Boy I couldn't have been more wrong.

When I got there, he was busy in the middle of a Texas Hold 'Em tournament. I sat next to him and just enjoyed watching until he finished in like 8th place or something. Once he finished we moved to the bedroom to get down to business.

We undressed and got on the bed. We only kissed for a moment or two before he started pushing me down to his cock. He likes when I give him head because I can usually take most, if not all of it. I began to hate doing it cause it would hurt my throat and make me wanna puke. That night he was very determined to get it down my throat and keep it there. A few times I fought his hands just to be able to breathe. Most of the time I was fighting to not gag.

Once he had enough of me there, he had me kneel on the bed and fucked me from behind. It was rough and didn't feel very good. I just prayed he'd finish soon. He pulled out of my pussy and moved and pushed into my ass. I winced and cringed because there wasn't lube. He fucked me for a bit then went to move back to my pussy, but I stopped him.

"Once you're in the back, you have to stay there" I told him.
"How come? You let me last time."
"Well, I shouldn't have cause it made me sick."

So he stayed in my ass until he finished.

I just layed there after he got off me. I felt too gross, used, and tired to move.

"You OK?" he asked.
"Yeah" I lied.
"I'm going to get something to drink" he said before leaving.

Thanks for offering me something. I thought he was coming right back, but when he was gone for a while I got up to look for him. He was watching TV and eating a sandwich. God.

"Where's the bathroom?" I ask just wanting to get cleaned up and get out.

He pointed me in the direction and I tried my best to wipe myself clean of him until I could shower at home.

I got dressed and mentioned I should be getting home since it was late. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.

"See you soon" he said.

Um, no.

I raced home as fast as possible, just wanting to be back in the comfort of my bed.

I knew that I could have prevented this though. Feeling this bad: cheap and used. That was the worst part I think. Besides just turning him down orignally, it's totally within my right to change my mind in the middle. And even though I know it's in my right, I've never actually given myself permission to assert that right.

Which of course isn't good because God forbid I'm ever in a situation where I really would need to...

This is what I wrote in my diary a few days after:

I knew before I went I shouldn’t go. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t in the mood for sex. I was too upset about my money problems to be in the mood.

So that was the first mistake.....

And I think Benjamin really only likes me because I can deep throat him. Which is impressive because he’s really long. Like 10-11 inches, no lie. But he was pushing my head down and holding it, and I really, really didn’t like when he did that.

I should have said something. I really should have. I know it. But I didn’t want to create like an awkward situation.

I know, I know....

So, yeah, and then like I said he was a little rough and aggressive when he was fucking me cause I felt all torn and sore when I was home. It’s a bit better now, though still sore.

But I’ve never felt like that emotional after sex before. Like I’ve felt icky ... or whatever, but never so…used... and violated....

And now I’m totally turned off by the idea of sex. Like the only penis I would allow in my vagina is Jefferson's, and even then I’m not craving it like I usually am....
And he wants to have the party Monday night, and I just don’t think I can handle it.

I really just fucking need to cuddle!

I really don’t think I can see him again. Cause I think he’ll just get worse and worse. Cause I let him get away with the shit, that’s why.

Ugh, I want to scold myself sometimes for this stupid shit.

Thankfully I'm not particuarly prone to any type of PTSD. I had a near fatal car accident in high school that only took me about 2 days to get over. And I healed quickly from this too.

But I won't see Benjamin again.

And I still don't think I could say stop and change my mind.

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Jefferson said...

Your instinct is to please others, and to take care of them, and that, of course, is good.

It's awful when clods run ripshod over that.

If someone doesn't care enough to take care of you as well, you are right to give him the heave ho.

Avah said...

Well I count my blessings that I do have men in my life that care so much to take care of me so well.

Men like you and Gabriel really put dumb boys like Benjamin to shame.

I really should just institute some sort of age requirement cause it seems the young ones sting me hardest.

Gabriel said...

i want to hurt that bastard! i hope that if anything I ever do makes you uncomfortable you'll let me know immediately..

Avah said...

That's very chivlarous of you Gabriel :)

And yes, I would tell you if you were doing something I didn't like, but I doubt you ever would.