Yahoo!!

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:05:32 AM): welcome to real time

Avah (4/1/2006 1:05:55 AM): yes! hello!

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:06:33 AM): i'm still getting used to this new toy and working out glitches, so no offense if i vanish suddenly

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:06:39 AM): and hello!

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:06:47 AM): nice to be in touch

Avah (4/1/2006 1:06:57 AM): yes, it is

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:07:14 AM): thanks for the invitation

Avah (4/1/2006 1:07:52 AM): no problem, i figured it'd be easier than myspace messages as fun as they are

Avah (4/1/2006 1:11:33 AM): so how are you this nice spring night?

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:12:47 AM): i'm pretty well! i had a nice dose of spring today, with a walk along the hudson. the leaves are just appearing

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:13:15 AM): it was a nice antecdote to my morning of tech difficulties

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:13:27 AM): and you?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:15:28 AM): well i had a lovely evening to myself since my roommate was at work, did some exfoliating and moisturizing lol, and i wish i could have enjoyed the day more, but i had class from 9-2 and just had to take a nap after that lol

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:17:53 AM): but you are home on a friday night? what, were you too well rested and moiturized to leave home?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:19:29 AM): lol

Avah (4/1/2006 1:20:06 AM): yes i was home, but i enjoy it every now and then

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:20:57 AM): as do i

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:21:28 AM): keeps me sane with all the this and the that

Avah (4/1/2006 1:21:44 AM): i would imagine so

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:21:55 AM): it gets a little busy

Avah (4/1/2006 1:23:08 AM): so i read lol

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:24:16 AM): yeah, rigth!

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:24:42 AM): how did you find my blog anyway? i never know who reads these things, or why.

Avah (4/1/2006 1:25:26 AM): i think i found it through nyhotties' blog

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:27:13 AM): i don't think i know it, but i shoudl look it up

Avah (4/1/2006 1:28:46 AM): its pretty good- she's an escort and writes about her life, another very good writer

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): oh, that i like

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): i enjoy good erotic writing, or writing about eroticism--not always the same thing

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): will you email me the link?

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): btw, you can move opver to my real email, duchampecho@gmail and onelfietaketwo@gmail

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): i'm toying with this myspace site, but i'm not toying with you

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): onelifetaketwo@gmail

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:31:51 AM): geez, i gotta learn to type that, don't i?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:32:58 AM): yes i can e-mail that link

Avah (4/1/2006 1:33:01 AM): lol

Avah (4/1/2006 1:33:07 AM): it's late, typos happen

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:34:12 AM): thanks for understanding

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:34:50 AM): so, to move to the personal, who did you discover your sub side, and iinterest in bondage?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:37:04 AM): well i think i always knew since i was a very young girl that i liked being tied up- ya know, playing with my friends or cousins and i'd always be the one kidnapped and tied to the chair or whatever

Avah (4/1/2006 1:37:25 AM): but i discovered it sexually the summer after high school

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:37:57 AM): which was two yearsw ago?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:38:10 AM): yes

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:38:20 AM): how did it come about?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:40:14 AM): i started just online and on the phone with someone and just knew i had to find someone to it in person with

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:40:16 AM): thanks for link, btw.

Avah (4/1/2006 1:40:19 AM): no prob

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:40:46 AM): ah yes, passion guides the way

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:41:01 AM): no comment on the italian roots

Avah (4/1/2006 1:41:14 AM): lol

Avah (4/1/2006 1:41:39 AM): something wrong with italian?

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:42:19 AM): yes, the strong trait to be defensive on ethnicity

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:42:50 AM): no, no problem. how mnay generations?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:44:01 AM): my great grand parents on my dad's side came over

Avah (4/1/2006 1:44:06 AM): from naples

Avah (4/1/2006 1:44:24 AM): but i'm irish on my mom's side

Avah (4/1/2006 1:45:14 AM): if that helps my case at all lol

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:45:56 AM): so his family dates to the great wave, turn of the century, and your mom accounts for your coloring. when did you irish arrive?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:47:29 AM): some parts of my family tree date all the way back to the revolutionary war actually, and then there's some from the mid 1800s

Jefferson (4/1/2006 1:57:20 AM): you still here?

Avah (4/1/2006 1:57:33 AM): yes

Avah (4/1/2006 2:03:04 AM): but also, i should say, my italian heritage does wonderful magic for me in the kitchen lol

Avah (4/1/2006 2:12:33 AM): still there?

The Very, Very Beginning- MySpace Flirting

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 12:31 AM

Thanks for joining my myspace friends, (Avah). I hope you enjoy the blog.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me Date: Mar 30, 2006 9:47 PM

Oh I love your blog! I'm addicted! lol You're such a great writer and everything you write about sounds like so much fun. I'm a bit envious of some of it actually. Guess that's why I'm so addicted- living vicariously I suppose, lol.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 1:04 AM

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm glad my writing works for you. Enjoy living vicariously! And when you can resist no more . . .

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 6:05 AM

Resistance is very difficult actually, you have a very strong pull...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 2:26 PM

I'm sure you enjoy the temptation, (Avah).

But surrendering is that much better.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 11:53 AM

I agree 100%...it's all about the surrender

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 5:29 PM

We seem to be very agreeable.

Tell me: what in particular in the blog to you find most exciting? I write about many things--what is that gets you the most?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 5:49 PM

What gets me the most? This is hard, I like pretty much everything. But what I like the most? Your dominance...I like how you start off as this sweet, gentle, caring lover and 5 seconds later you're binding someone and spanking or whipping them with such focus and you always seem to know how far to go. That's what I like most.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 9:18 PM

That's quite a detail to pick out.

I think that is the best part of being dominant with a lover. It isn't about mind games or cruelty, but about being attentive to ways to give pleasure--and to allow her to surrender and give over to it, knowing she is safe and cared for.

Do you have much experience along those lines?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 6:42 PM

I have some. I've been playing/experimenting with someone on and off for about a year and a half. But it's never been quite what I wanted...not enough attraction for me, never enough bondage, and he sometimes push a bit too far.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 9:54 PM

It's nice to have the opportunity to experiment with that. I'm sory it's not all you seek. Does he listen when you offer your feedback?


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 6:58 PM

He does, yes, but I see him so rarely we don't really get a chance to put my feedback to use.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 10:09 PM

It's good that he listens, then, but man! You have to wait for it? Why?

What else do you do for sex?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Mar 31, 2006 8:30 PM

btw- if you'd ever care to chat in faster r/t, feel free to IM me on AIM - my sn is -------

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jefferson
Date: Mar 31, 2006 11:29 PM

Thanks for the invitation. This may be my incentive to add AIM to my new laptop.

Do you have Yahoo IM?

Oh My Head

mySQL.

Nucleus. Wordpress. Textpattern?

Databases.

Domains.

Subdomains!

Import! Export!!

Gah!!

Oh Blogger blog, why do you hold on to me so tightly? You've been good to me, but I'm ready to move on and move up. Release me from these bonds and let me go on my merry way!

Exporting my blog into my new one may just be the death of me.

I'm paying for hosting, and host I will!!!

Oh this is going to be addicting. I can tell. It already is. I have to go home and bake for Passover seder tomorrow. But I just want to keep playing and exploring!!

Eeek!

Any and all comments, tips, links, etc to help me with this process will be MORE than appreciated!!

(Specifically moving my Blogger blog to Nucleus)

Kisses!

Good News Kiddies

You guys got me for at least 12 more months.

I just purchased designingintimacy.com

Expect more changes over the next few months!

Woo!

Stories....

I've been thinking...

Yeah, I know. Been doing a lot of that lately.

I don't know if I want to write sex stories anymore. At least not for a little while. I've gotten a little bored with them. And they're really a lot of work. Especially after a year when everything gets to be repetitive.

I mean, really. How many times and different ways can I talk about fucking Jefferson? Especially since we don't do anything interesting anymore.

Yeah, I went there.

The orgies I could still write about. Every month it's something different, which is kinda cool. Though it's really just more sex with a couple different people. But still, stories = a lot of work.

If I stop writing about sex, can I still call it a sex blog though?

And I'm really not even having that much sex. Two, maybe 3 times a month if it's a good month (A time consisting of an entire date, whether it's 2 days or 2 hours long). Pitiful. I know.

Hey- I might actually hit 4 this month! If the universe doesn't continue to fucking hate me. Which, is entirely possible, and I'm not holding my breath that it's going to stop blowing chunks anytime soon.

Going Back to Bed

I just got up for a few moments. My roommate is a very loud door opener.

This is a bad, bad week.

I just wanna get naked with someone I like and cuddle for a bit. Is that really too much to ask? I mean, seriously. Is that too much for the universe to give me?

I'm not even asking for sex. I'm having so little sex these days it doesn't really matter much if I have it anymore. (With that one evening being an exception)

I'd just really love to see my boyfriend right now. You know, everyone else in the world gets to see him, so why can't I?

And now I'm gonna go cry again and crawl back into bed.

It's A Real Song!

I always loved the Outback Steakhouse jingle..."Let's go Outback tonight, life will still be there tomorrow...."

And I was saying in my painting class today how much I liked it and wished it was a real song, and a guy (who happens to be a waiter there) informed me it was, and proceeded to give me the artist and title!!

So here, Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games, by Of Montreal

HNT #22

It Just Kinda Sucks

I'm too tired to get much into right now, but I just ended things with Kyle.

He canceled on me for the 3rd week in a row, and as much as it sucked, it really wasn't my main reason for calling it quits now.

I could see myself falling in love with him, and I just didn't want to go there. Not with someone else I have no future with. I've learned my lesson with Jefferson.

The next man I fall in love with will be someone I can have a relationship with, a real see each other all the time, and only each other relationship. Maybe even someone I can marry.

I'm bummed. It's sad to say goodbye to someone I like. But it's better than saying goodbye to someone I love. Really, it is. I know.

So that's my story for tonight.

Let Me Rephrase That

I think I put a little too much emphasis in my last post on getting readers to comment. Would it be nice if people commented more? Yes. Have I gotten used to the fact people don't comment? Yeah, and I'm not so concerned with getting comments as much anymore. I'm not a big commenter myself, even on my absolute favorite blogs like Journey into Submission, Biker's Balls & Teacher's Tits, or Sugarbutch Chronicles. And I guess with my blogs that I read regularly (all the ones on my blog roll), I read them because I like the work, and it seems silly to comment on every post that I like it (if I have nothing else to add).

And honestly, I would always get in trouble in school when we'd have group seminars and I rarely contributed feedback. I couldn't always relate. (And I didn't always care. It sounds mean, but I really did just hate most of my classmates.)

I do find it easier to comment when a question is posed. One reason I opened up Question Month. I thought it would be a good opportunity to get the lurkers out of the woodwork.

My main frustration though is the progress of my blog (or lack there of as I see it). Commenting is one way I measure it. I would assume as my readership grows, reader participation would grow. But that's not necessarily an accurate correlation because big blogs like Fleshbot and Viviane's Sex Carnival don't receive many comments. Ok, so I don't worry sooo much about that.

But then I look at how my readership isn't growing. My stats have been pretty consistent over the last 10 months. I've been writing for coming on 12 months now. (Yes I know there are some Feed reader only people out there, but I'm not counting on 1,000 of you). I work on getting my blog on lists and directories. I was reviewed by Jane's Guide, and that drove a hell of a lot of traffic my way for a few days, but now it's just drips and drabs. Even when I got Fleshbotted by Chelsea Girl way back when, I didn't get a surge of traffic.

It's like there's some sort of forcefield that repels visitors. I swear.

And then of course that gets me paranoid that I'm a bad writer. Or that people hate when I post so much irrelevant stuff like comics and the Overheards and random stories and thoughts. Then I think people don't like me because of my rants and all that sort of stuff. Should I be more positive? Should I not be bitching about blogging or boy troubles or school troubles, etc? Should I revert this back to a strictly sex blog where I only posted my stories once or twice a week?

I thank everyone that commented on my Lab Rat post. Not to sound conceited, but I got the responses I fully expected. I do know there are at least some people out there like my blog. There are at least 60 of you that just keep coming back every day!

El Cuervo says I should write for me, but how can I make the writing for me when I get so many responses that people would be disappointed if I stopped writing? I write for me in my journal and other private blogs. And it's stressful to maintain all 3. Designing Intimacy gets the bulk of my attention, and because of that, all the things I can't write about here gets forgotten. I don't have time to write for me.

And I know it sucks when a blog you love and read every day just finishes or disappears. I've lost a bunch of my original reading to I don't even know what. Feenix Call Girl was one of my favorites and she just up and disappeared one day. Clandestine Call Girl is essentially moving on with her blog as well. There was another one I read, that I've forgotten the name of now, about a woman exploring a new relationship with a dominant woman that captivated me, and she too just disappeared.

I would never disappear on you guys though. When it is time to close up shop (and that day will come), I'll certainly give due notice.

But no, that time isn't now.

I'll keep writing. Even if I hate my words (which I sometimes do), even if I get no comments, even if I get no more new readers.

Because like the trained rat, I'm still waiting for my reward. And like the slot junkie, I'm waiting for the big payoff.

Question #18

Who's the most attractive celebrity you can think of, and what makes them so attractive to you? Male or female, or both if you wish. I'd like to see what your famous-people tastes are like.

Ok, I'll start with females, as that's actually easier for me, lol.

Scarlet Johanssen would likely be my absolute favorite celebrity in terms of attractiveness. She's so gorgeous (not just hot) and her skin is just so creamy I want to feel every inch of her. And she's thin, but not all hard muscle-bodied, so that makes me want to touch her and lay with her even more. Her thighs are just so mmm! and let's not forget those gorgeous, gorgeous breasts. Plus the plump lips! Yowzers!

Now I'm all worked up, lol.

I also really love Charlize Theron.
I think she's another classically beautiful woman with such an amazing figure. I remember this one picture of her in a magazine where she's wearing a backless dress and all I can think about is those beautiful curves (I actually really love a beautiful back on a woman or man).

I guess I have a thing for blondes, because Katherine Heigl is also pretty hot to me.

But you know what else? The three of them seem like they're probably really cool, nice people.

To veer off blondes though, Catherine Zeta Jones is smoking too. I love the curves on her body. I saw a picture of her in a bikini recently and she just looked all fit but still curvy and I thought how much I want to look like that.

I have to run to class, so I'll follow up with the dudes I like when I get back....

Oh My God. I'm A Fucking Trained Lab Rat.

So a few minutes ago, in my procrastination to finish my paper for class tomorrow, I was reading an article Viviane had posted concerning the blogger Kathy Sierra who had received alarming death threats. Now, this post isn't about that. Death threats, horrible, yes. Poor woman. There are a lot of fuckers out there. I've gotten my own malicious comments (though no death threats thank God), so I know.

But I went on to check out her blog, since I'd never heard of her before, when I happened upon a post of hers equating the addictiveness of Twitter to the addictiveness to Slot Machines, based on the intermittent variable reward system. Basic idea is you know you're going to get a reward for doing something, you just never know when.

So, for example, you check your e-mail every hour, hoping for something, but you don't always have anything new in your inbox. Except for the times you do. Reward.

Kathy writes:

One of Skinner's most important discoveries is that behavior reinforced intermittently (as opposed to consistently) is the most difficult to extinguish. In other words, intermittent rewards beat predictable rewards. It's the basis of most animal training, but applies to humans as well...

Me, I don't use Twitter. Never heard of it until 3 days ago, and not quite sure what the appeal is. I think it's better I don't find out, if Kathy Sierra is saying it's as addictive as slot machines.

Or, in my case, my blog.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the face. In the nose. And we all know how much that smarts.

I'm on this reward system with my blog. I love my blog, but at the same time I hate it. I hate it so much these days. It's so much work, and so much energy, and so much of me, and there is so little reward for me. Except for when there is.

And I keep writing, hoping for comments, feedback, insight, questions, and answers. I'd say about 8 times out of 10 I get zip.

I mean, I just posted a picture of my face, all clear except for some Photoshop effects, and nada.

Admittedly, I'm somewhat surprised when someone leaves a comment on any of my sex stories. I'm floored (and excited as well) when I get multiple comments on a post.

I'm actually really grateful for my regular/semi-regular commenters: Glengarry, Mariel, Lizzie, El Cuervo, Alice.... etc. If it weren't for your guy's faithfulness, I might have given up writing months ago.

And as much as I enjoy writing, I don't write for me. I don't need to write down my sex life for my own benefit. I love sharing it though. I write to share.

But after a year now, I feel so suck, like I haven't progressed. And I want to improve! It's a horrible thought to think I've been writing for a year, and I haven't improved.

I've been considering whether or not I want to continue Designing Intimacy. My 1 year anniversary is coming up, and I have something nice I'm planning for it. But I don't know where else to go with it.

I've thought about giving up blogging all together (hard to fight that addiction though...if I stick it out another month, maybe then I'll get my big break....).

I've thought about abandoning this and starting over. Picking a new pen name. A new identity. Maybe it's me people don't like. But what a disappointment it would be, as a writer, to find people don't like me or my writing after creating a new persona.

But there is the fact I do love my blog. It's everything I want. It's exactly the way I want it. The colors, the layout, the content. And I don't know how to abandon my baby. I always wonder how people can just stop writing; how they can pour themselves out on the internet, then just walk away. Even when I'm busy or away, I still and try to post something. A funny quote, a picture, a short anecdote.

I don't even know what to expect from this post. I don't know if I should expect to see an outpouring from you readers claiming your love for me and my blog and encouraging me to continue or if I'll get dead silence.

So, I'll leave the rest to you....

The comment button's right below.

Sugasm #72

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Question #17

Is it still question month?

Yes it is!! All the way until the end of March!! (But, not that you can't ask me a question any time of the year, of course...)